Anymore

Chapter 12

Laura opened the door to Marlena's office and saw Carrie curled up on the sofa crying. "Honey I was looking all over for you."

Carrie sat up and wiped her eyes. "I'm fine, you should be with Marlena."

"She's the one that sent me to look for you." She sat next to Carrie and draped her arm around her shoulder. "There were some pretty intense emotions back there."

"Please... Aunt Laura, I'm not in the mood for a therapy session."

Laura laughed. "Force of habit. Besides, I think you DO need to talk to someone. You may not be related to Marlena by blood, but the two of you are so much alike... keeping your feelings bottled up to spare others."

Carrie giggled grimly and turned to face Laura. "Am I a terrible person?"

Brushing the hair out of her eyes. "Honey, of course not! Why would you think that?"

"I resent him so much..."

"Roman?"

Carrie nodded. "I resent the fact that he came back. He was gone for years, missing his family... suffering God only knows what kind of torture at the hands of Stefano Dimera... and all I can think about is how his presence has turned our lives upside down."

"I'll tell you a secret. I think Marlena feels the same way."

Carrie's eyes got wide. "Really?"

Laura nodded. "I think that is why she fights so hard to deny her feelings for John. I wasn't here when everyone first learned that John was Roman, but I remember Marlena telling me how hard you fought that."

Carrie chuckled. "Oh man... I was awful to him."

"I heard... but eventually you came around. And when you did, Marlena told me you had the most wonderful bond."

Carrie smiled. "We did... and when Marlena was gone it got even stronger. I trust him more than anyone in my life." She faced Laura. "Don't tell Marlena that."

Laura laughed. "Your secret is safe with me... but honestly I think Marlena already knows that. Because it's exactly how SHE feels about John, and it makes her feel guilty."

Carrie stood and started to pace. "See that is what I don't understand! Why... why does she feel so guilty for loving John, for being IN love with John. We can't control that!"

Laura thought for a moment. "I can't speak for Marlena... but I will give you my best educated guess." Carrie nodded and sat back down. "Okay Marlena loved Roman deeply... and when she lost him it tore her apart. She thought she would never be able to move on. So when John came along and she felt a pull towards him, it scared the hell out of her."

Carrie shrugged. "But why?"

"Well I would guess that she was afraid of having feelings like that so soon after losing Roman." She faced Carrie. "Did they ever tell you about when they went to West Virginia?"

Carrie smiled. "When Marlena was gone Daddy used to tell us those stories all the time, though I'm sure he left stuff out."

Laura laughed. "Oh I'm sure he did. For example... did you know that at one point during that trip Marlena feared that John was actually Stefano?"

Carrie sat up straight. "Shut UP! Seriously?"

Laura smirked. "Seriously! And that scared the HELL out of Marlena...."

"I bet."

She raised her finger. "But, it wasn't for the reasons you may think."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that it scared her, because she was already in love with him, and thinking that he may be Stefano, didn't change how she felt about him."

"No way..."

"Way! So when they found what they thought was the evidence proving he was Roman, she latched on to it so strongly. THAT had to be the reason she loved him so strongly and so intensely, that even thinking he might be Stefano didn't change her feelings... because he was actually her husband. He was the man she had vowed to spend the rest of her life with."

Carrie became sad. "So then... she really did only love John because she thought he was Roman?"

Laura smiled. "No... not at all. In fact I think Marlena believing John was Roman made it easier for her to give in to the feelings she already had for him, before they found that out. Thinking he was Roman made her feel less guilty about being so in love with someone who wasn't her husband."

"So when Roman came home... she felt guilty again for loving John so much. And for the fact that Roman coming home didn't change those feelings?"

Laura nodded. "Yes, pretty much."

"Just like Roman coming home didn't change our feelings for him."

"Exactly honey. Guilt is a very strong motivator that can make people do things they would never normally do. And with the way Roman suffered at the hands of Stefano for all those years it..."

Carrie sighed. "Made her guilt even worse, because she had moved on."

Laura rubbed her back. "Marlena didn't want to add to his suffering when he came home... and John was engaged to Isabella. So I'm guessing she was doing what she thought was right for everyone."

Carrie wiped her eyes. "I wish we would have gotten a vote back then." She wiped her eyes again and stood, smiling gently at Laura. "Thank you for explaining everything... it helped."

Laura stood and hugged her. "My pleasure honey. Just don't be too hard on her... she really tired to do the right thing for everyone involved." Carrie nodded as she took the hand that Laura offered. "Why don't we go she how she's doing?"

.....

Carrie pushed open the door and saw Marlena asleep on the bed, the sonogram picture clutched to her chest. She pulled up a stool and gently removed the picture from her grasp. She rested her elbows on the bed holding the picture in front of her. "I would have loved to have seen what you looked like. I bet you would have been a miniature Brady with Sami's flair for the dramatics."

"Now that's a mental picture." Marlena said as she turned on her side to face Carrie. "Are you okay? Where's Laura?"

Carrie nodded. "I'm fine, she did her best to explain everything to me as she understood it... she went back to her office." She glanced at her mother. "I'm sorry for having been so angry. It's the last thing you need."

"Baby don't worry about it, I'm okay. I'm sorry for making a royal mess out of everything."

Carrie shrugged. "You did the best you could under the circumstances." She handed the picture to Marlena. "So... what are you going to tell everyone about why you were in here?"

Marlena sighed and looked at the picture. "I'm so tired of lying." She shrugged. "A bleeding ulcer I guess."

Carrie nodded. "Good excuse as any." She pointed at the picture. "Are you going to get rid of that... if Dad finds it..."

Marlena wiped her tears. "I can't... it's the only thing I have of our baby."

Carrie leaned forward and hugged Marlena. "I'm sorry Mom." Marlena started to sob in her daughter's arm when shouting in the hallway startled her. "I am looking for my WIFE!" She heard faintly but recognized the voice immediately.

She wiped her eyes. "Oh God..."

Carrie turned quickly towards the door. "We didn't call him!" She turned back to her mother and grabbed the picture before Marlena could react and shoved it in her purse. Just then the door slammed open.

"What the HELL is going on here?"

Marlena closed her eyes tightly and braced herself for the performance of her life.