One Hundred Sleepless Nights

6

"I'm ready." I say.

He rattles off his phone number telling me I better text him right away so that he has my number as well.

"Send me a photo for your contact." he says still looking down as his phone.

"No way."

He glances up at me through his hair. "Either send me one or I take one now."

"Tony, you are not taking a photo of me right now. I don't even have pants on." I point out.

"Then you better send one quick." he says, holding his phone up as if he's about to take a photo of me.

I hold both my hands up in front of me as if to surrender. "Okay, okay I'll send one."

I know the exact photo to send, its one that was taken at my bar about a month ago. I'm on our patio underneath our outdoor lights that we put up in the summer. My hair is loose, draping over my shoulders and a little past. My makeup is light, my false lashes are freshly done so they look amazing, and my nails are a fresh set as well. Its my photo for Instagram and TikTok. I select it and send it to him over text.

"Oh, some girl just sent me a photo." he says instantly.

"Some girl? You forgot my name already?" I ask, sliding close to him.

"Even though I only learnt it last night I could never forget it." he says earnestly.

I hesitate for a second, wanting to ask him about last night but also not wanting to approach the subject in case it gets awkward. I ask before I can even stop myself.

"So about last night..." I start.

He puts his coffee down and turns his body slightly to me. "Yeah?"

"I thought you weren't that type of guy."

"I'm not." he says flatly, not even glancing at me.

"Then last night was..?" I trail off leaving him to fill in the blanks.

"Alia do you not remember last night?"

I shake my head. "I remember coming back here with you, both of us really drunk, but other than that I don't really remember what happened."

"I figured as much. Which is why nothing happened between us." he says. "We came back here and talked and then we passed out. Nothing happened, no sex, no kissing, no in between."

For once its now my turn for my cheeks to heat up.

"Oh." I say quietly, feeling a bit silly now for making such assumptions.

"I was too drunk for it, and if I was then so were you. I wasn't going to do that to you or myself." he says. "I'm also not the guy who hooks up with people I barely know. Its entirely fine if that's how you want to live, but I personally don't see the appeal in it."

"Why not?" I question. "Its easier."

He laughs. "Its easier because you don't have to feel anything." he says and runs a hand through his dark hair. "I see people hooking up every single night on tour. I get plenty and plenty of offers from all types of people, any of them are willing to do whatever it takes to hookup with somebody famous. It gets kinda old after awhile."

"So you used to do the casual thing?"

"Yeah of course. When we first got big it was fun and exciting. Out of nowhere I'm now someone who is wanted by pretty much everyone that comes to the shows. They're not picky either. They just want to be able to brag to their friends the next day."

"And that made you want to stop." I say for him.

He nods. "I became a trophy rather than a person."

Even though I know the guys go through rough times on the road, I never thought of it like that. I never realized that they could feel like they're trophies that people win. I always thought that people wanting to hook up with them would be a great thing. I thought it distracted them for loneliness. I guess I was wrong.

"I prefer connections now." Tony continues. "Sex is great, don't get me wrong. I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind last night but-"

"So you want to have sex with me?" I ask. I take any in I'm given.

"But," he says, continuing his sentence that I interrupted. "I wont."

I wont lie, it guts me a little to hear that. Here is a really nice guy who is so goddamn fine and he's saying he wont get with me. Such a bummer.

"Even if we were to become close?" I ask.

He stares at the wall in back of me, his face focused on his thoughts.

He takes a deep breath in and focuses back on me. "I don't know. I don't think you'd ever let me in that far."

He glances down at his phone that has been lighting up nonstop since we sat down.

"I gotta go. I was late when I agreed to coffee, now I'm on the verge of being kicked out the band."

My heart races at the thought of him going to a band meeting after we spent time together. What if he mentions me to them? Or shows them my photo? Oh fuck I really didn't think this through. He doesn't know who I am, but Jaime sure does and so do Mike and Vic. Fuck I really make the dumbest decisions ever.

"You okay?" Tony asks looking mildly concerned.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine. Its just, like you're a famous guy and I value my privacy and I know nothing happened but-" I say, rattling on so fast that Tony probably thinks I'm a fucking lunatic.

"I don't talk about things like this." he says. "With anyone. Not until its serious."

His phone goes off again, this time a call. From Jaime.

"I really gotta go." he says. "I'll come by the bar later if you're working."

I nod. "I'm there till 3."

"See you then." he says, and just like that he's out the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts and regrets that keep multiplying.