Ramblings of a Teenage Student

Chapter 2

In the last school year, he was barely active and didn't even know the name of his classmates except for the few he already knew before. There was someone that caught his attention, a classmate of his that now he'd rather be caught dead than admit he was attractive. 

When the online classes were still going on he'd sometimes glance at his classmates although only a few percent had their cameras on.

There was this one time when he caught himself staring at the guy barely trying to pay attention to the teacher's lesson in google meet, let's call this guy "PKSD". PKSD was someone that he could say was his type PKSD had glasses and hair he would say looked good. 

He really wasn't attracted to PKSD at that time since he first barely knew the guy and only see him through a google meet. That changed when they finally started the new school year, PKSD wasn't on his mind since he was more worried about first impressions and if he was able to even make friends or acquaintances than a guy that was on his mind for a few days then forgotten.

 After a few weeks, when he finally felt comfortable, he was able to look at his classmates and try to familiarize them. He started to try and familiarize himself with everyone in the classroom, his eyes wandered to everyone's masked face and one was just directly across him sitting on the table beside theirs. 

He always saw the backside of the guy and he unearthed the memory that made PKSD memorable in the first place and why he started to pay attention to PKSD for a while before forgetting his last school year.

PKSD was not Roman Catholic like most of the people in the class, he was the one that refused to pray when it was an online class, and that made him aware of the existence of PKSD, that was the core memory he had of PKSD during the online class. Now that he remembered that and seemed to be guessing if they were the same person or not, he was checking if PKSD was praying or just standing up. 

After a few days of trying to see he concluded that he was not in fact praying but that only partly confirmed it and it's not like he cared or something, he only finds PKSD attractive but he's not attracted to him... yet at least.

A few days have gone by since he confirmed that the person was actually the same person he saw in an online class and he felt well conflicted. He finds the person attractive but is it really enough for him to call PKSD his crush? How do crushes form? What does it mean to have a crush?

Rambling 2: "Love is weird, to devote yourself to liking a person I can't help but see that as a weird way of excusing your weird actions. To be nothing but a blathering idiot when it comes to one person when you can conduct yourself properly to literally anybody else, how does that even happen? The feeling of being flustered is too alien for me and I can't imagine even how that would start to feel, I guess that's also how people see me when I talk about love this way. I romanticize finding love yet I can't seem to find love myself and feel weird when people express their love around me. I'm a hypocrite, I guess we all are, but that doesn't make each and every sentence, action, and expression we do any better. We are all bad people, it's funny how some people are so bad yet they still find good in themselves and be the good guy in their stories. Inevitably we all will be the bad guy in someone's story, it's just a matter of how. In the face of an inevitability where we'll be the villain in someone's story, I find it more fun when I choose on what kind of Villain I will be... but how will be a rambling for another time. Being the villain in someone else's story is both exciting and exhausting at the same time, after all this is my talent, making myself the evil one in everyone's story."

A few more days after agonizing about PKSD being his crush, he found himself being slowly more and more attracted to PKSD, his little reactions when his friends talk, the way he walks, and the way PKSD attracts his eyes even if PKSD wasn't even doing anything. 

It was frustrating, he was being a hypocrite by becoming the same person he said he couldn't understand. Even now he was still furious and confused about how sometimes he becomes such a completely different person when confronted by his feelings for another, it makes him feel weak and frustrated, quite human of him.

His crush on PKSD felt dreadful and at the same time gave him such a sense of relief. Starting as a child, he always felt like the way he looked towards others was cold and inhumane, he can show emotions just like a boy would but it was just a reaction out of need and acting based on how he saw other people react. 

But now, he had a crush, isn't that undeniable evidence that he was, in fact, human and could feel emotions? It was a way of him absolving himself albeit temporarily of his fears that he was the weird one or just a normal person.

Rambling 3: "I really don't know how to feel sometimes if you get what I mean. I know what it would look like and how it would seem like but I've never really felt genuine when expressing it. It's like I'm in this eternal play acting as a character trying to emulate human emotions. I guess this is why I always love the theatrics of drama, they emphasize each and every emotion that you can't help but love but also feel the genuine emotion inside them. Watching TV Shows and Dramas helps me to smile and makes me feel what it feels like to be what I think a human is. A Human is what everyone around me is, able to genuinely smile and feel, to react and respond naturally, I envy that. I still don't know if I really feel these emotions or if I'm just acting. If I try to go with the flow of my "emotions" something bad always happens, friendships fall, groups end, and things like that happened whenever I decide maybe I could be myself for once. I've always been the harbinger of bad luck after all, that's what everyone says ever since I was a child. Knowing that I probably should know well by now to not trust myself, it's funny how I know I'm a hypocrite yet I don't change it."

Well, there is it, he finally confirmed for himself he likes PKSD. It's quite annoying for him and the people around him, he becomes a completely different person when he has those Rose Tinted Glasses. Never once he has thought he would fall for a person but yet here he was both repulsed and more attracted by the emotions he was feeling. He didn't know how to deal with the emotions he felt but only to share it.

With emotions running rampant he created new friends and one of them was "ZED". ZED was quite a curious classmate, even now he and ZED were still friends both equally challenged when it comes to romance. He shared his feelings towards PKSD with ZED for the sole reason they were sitting together. 

Some people already knew his feelings for PKSD, those people were BDF his close friend since elementary, ZED which was the most recent, YNW a close friend of PKSD, and a lot more.

After going home that day when he shared his feelings toward PKSD with her(ZED). He was ready to add him on Facebook, might I remind the reader that now he was disgusted at the idea of him being flustered towards PKSD but you would soon learn that later. Right before adding PKSD, a notification popped, and what a twist PKSD sent a friend request!

He of course was very shocked and immediately messaged ZED regarding this, when he finally decided to accept it he accidentally removed it and he had to send his own friend request. A blunder but not that much and it was understandable to fat finger friend requests. He already found out that PKSD was Bisexual like him and YNW showed him a screenshot of PKSD about to message me, it was because YNW revealed that he was Bisexual.

With trembling fingers and a plan set in his mind, he opened the chat head for PKSD ready to strike up a conversation with him. He clicked the "Hello" thing that pops up when you're talking for the first time and after a few seconds PKSD has seen it and presses the Hello back...

Finally, here we go, their first conversation, well my eyes are already hurting and I don't want to write with me just having a hangover this morning. hehe wait for chap 3