In My Skin

CH 59 || Love Language

"I'm actually not much of a cuddler," I replied, acutely aware of the fact that we were currently cuddling. "Normally, at least," I added quickly.

"I think you're plenty cuddly," he said, hugging me closer as if to emphasize the fact. "You were getting all nervous when I moved away from you just now."

"So, you did it on purpose!"

His chest vibrated as he gave a short laugh. "And if you weren't before that just means you actually do notice the intention behind someone touching you even if it's subconsciously."

That sounded a lot like what my old psychiatrist had told me. "But wouldn't it bother you?"

He drew back, raising his brows. "I think I've proven my point that I'm not here to get laid."

Well, if he put it that way, he did. "So, you don't have a problem if I don't want to—"

"I think if anything you're the one trying to get into my pants."

And now I was thinking about what was inside his pants. And the way the whole length of his body was pressed against mine. If I shifted a mere inch to the side, I could—

"Besides," he said, effectively halting my wandering thoughts. "I like that you're so comfortable with me. I wouldn't trade that level of trust for anything. It's the only thing that stops me from keeping you to myself so that no one else sees that side of you."

"What?" he finally asked when I just stared at him stunned. "Too soon? Damn. And here I thought I did a good job holding back whenever that douche was still in the picture. Then he was gone, and that weasel Jared showed up."

Biting back a smile, I said, "So, you're saying that you telling me how awful my boyfriend is every chance you got was you holding back?

"Of course. I didn't beat him up now, did I?"

I gave him a flat look. "So, that's your response if you aren't holding back?"

"Well, I'd also tell him to go fuck himself and hide you away where he can never reach you," he said nonchalantly.

Note to self: Don't push Killian too far.

"So, is there anything else?" he asked.

I squirmed. There was one thing. I just had no idea how to say it without sounding like a spoiled princess.

"It's stupid," I mumbled, already regretting I brought it up at all.

Killian nudged me. "It's not if it's bothering you."

I dropped my gaze. "I was just sort of surprised you accepted it so easily. I know that's kind of a double standard, but it was just unexpected and I'm not saying you didn't have a right to, because you did, but, well, you also said you weren't mad... Well, there I said it."

And it still sounded like a spoiled princess. At least the nickname made sense now.

"You're right."

I gaped at him in shock. "I am?"

"Yeah. I lasted about three days and then I came to see you, but you were asleep and Suz didn't want to wake you up because you hadn't slept at all. So, we talked, and she said that you weren't doing good and well she wanted me to wait and let you figure it out. I said fuck that, you could figure it out with me next to you. We met somewhere in the middle.

"I did some research so I wouldn't fuck things up a second time and told her she had one week. She could talk to you first but if you weren't getting better—mentally I mean— then I would. You have no idea how much I hate sitting on the sidelines while you're suffering on your own."

I couldn't put into words how that made me feel. That he hadn't given up on me even though I'd treated him unfairly. Something else finally clicked into place. The vague way Suz talked about her cousin, the glances she and Cody exchanged every time I brought it up...

"So, there is no cousin," I said.

"I know I might have overstepped but I had to do something for you. Not doing anything drove me insane."

"But...do you know how much work that is? And you just..." I trailed off.

His hand reached up, caressing my cheek. "I don't like doing things behind your back even if it's for your own good. It's making me nervous and I'm never nervous. But Sofia wasn't there, and I was genuinely afraid you guys would poison each other."

He had a point there.

"I wouldn't even have mentioned it, but I didn't want you to think I didn't care. Or that I wouldn't fight for you. Because I would. But your condition was new ground for me and sort of a sensitive topic, so I tried to respect that you needed time to figure things out and that maybe I wasn't the best person to help you at that moment. And then you were doing better, and I didn't want to sabotage that."

The insecurity in his voice made my heart squeeze. I snuggled into his chest, trying to minimize the distance between us as much as possible.

"It's okay. You're allowed to do things behind my back occasionally. And from now on, you're officially my go-to person. If something's up or anyone's bothering me, you'll be the first to know."

"Good. I hope that includes any stalkers, ex-boyfriends, or other annoyances."

I nodded. "If something's up or anyone's bothering me, you'll be the first to know. Brace yourself, because I'll flood you with so many of my worries that you'll eventually get sick of hearing them."

"I doubt that. Is that it?"

"Just one more thing," I said loosening my hold so I could watch his reaction. "I love you."

Killian's eyes widened and then a wide smile spread across his face. "Definitely worth the wait if this is what I get." Pulling me closer, he asked his voice unnaturally shaky, "Can I kiss my girlfriend then?"

Every nerve in my body tingled with anticipation.

Instead of replying—I wasn't sure if I was capable—I brushed my lips again his. His words messed with my head and my attempt at a kiss was clumsy. Yet, every nerve in my body tingled with anticipation as a ball of giddiness bubbled up inside me.

Then he took over and my brain simply shut down. If he hadn't voiced his feelings beforehand, I would have known right now from the careful way he held me, the gentle touch of his lips, how he moved slowly as if he was trying to savor the moment just as much as I did.

Best kiss I'd ever had.