By My Side

Chapter 26 - Complications

It seems so outlandish, but Anakin had been upset about it, and...

The "you always kept me away, you never wanted me" has been repeating in his mind since he heard it, and he has no idea how to fix this.

If it's fixable. It's easier to not worry about it, to continue focusing on their duty, because that's what matters most.

It always does. They're Jedi. It's just... when it comes to Anakin, it feels like he burns the world away, until nothing matters except for him.

He wants to talk to Anakin. He just has no idea how to, seeing how his once-padawan was obviously hurt by something, and he genuinely doesn't know if it's something he can answer about. He doesn't know this Anakin anymore, and he can only wish for a time where they're not so occupied with the war, where they can...

Be together.

But that will never happen, because they're Jedi, and they have a Code to follow, and he cannot encourage his attachment to Anakin for the sake of both them and the galaxy. Right now, it's too strong, too easy, but the thought of not having Anakin with him, constantly at his side is...

It's terrifying. He can only be grateful he doesn't have to worry about that, or ever will, because Anakin is loyal. He always has been, and he won't go anywhere.

***

Anakin knew Sidious was planning something. He was expecting it, waiting for it, counting on it. Sidious warned him of it, and he knows this won't be all of it, and that the worst is yet to come, and all he can do is... be ready.

Trying to arrange Ahsoka's training helps.

He's distracted with it all day, and he goes to have a long talk with Rex who remembers it well enough, and he finds himself again marveling at how grounding Rex's presence always is. He wishes he could spend more time with the clones. Wishes he could do anything to keep them from living the life they've been forced to. He can see so much of himself in them sometimes, that constant, oppressive knowledge that they'll never have anything beyond what they've been given, and that it's been such an intricate part of their lives they've stopped trying to see past it. Anakin has, too. Why should he, when he knows he'll never find a way beyond... everything?

It's not that he's stopped fighting. It's just that he... has accepted where he is, and that he can still do his best to help people even when he's... where he is now. He doesn't resent it as he once might have. Besides, this is different. It's his choice to stay here.

Of course, Obi-Wan comes to talk to him again. Anakin isn't surprised about that, either. He only wishes it wasn't so soon because his guilt is drowning him.

At first, it doesn't seem like Obi-Wan intends to mention what they discussed. He is upset, though, and Anakin can feel it. He's always drowning in shame, and now is no different. He should never have said that – why does he keep doing this? Obi-Wan isn't being overly antagonistic or anything. It's just. Something is wrong with Anakin.

Quite the something, though – he knows what, and he wishes there was a way to be rid of it. Instead, all he can see in in his mind is Ahsoka disappearing down the Temple steps into the sunset, and wonders if she knew all along what was wrong. Wondering... if this Ahsoka will leave him too. It feels more as though he's waiting for it, though. Waiting for and fearing the time that this will end in disaster, that he'll do something too far to change, and that... he'll lose Obi-Wan and Padme, too.

He knows he himself could die any time, though he doubts it would happen. He couldn't die before. But Rex and Obi-Wan and Ahsoka could die any moment, too, and... there'd be nothing left for him.