Fading to Black // Kirk Hammett

29. Biggest Mistake Of My Life

The void I had been longing to fill. That I tried to fix with drugs, and even things with Dave, was suddenly filled. I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of relief and happiness.

Unfortunately, I had to remember he left me. As hard as it was to avoid, I couldn't just immediately melt into him like this.

But fuck it, I can do it for just a moment.

"I missed you too." I mumbled softly, tightly squeezing him.

He slightly pulled away, keeping his arms around me, but becoming face to face with me. His eyes were glossy with tears, and he had sad smile plastered on his face.

"Can we please talk, Hailey? I have so much to explain to you." He spoke with slight desperation in his voice.

I nodded in response, turning my gaze to James, Lars, and Cliff. Who I think both me and Kirk had forgotten were in the room.

Kirk turned around to face them, slipping his hand into mine subtly as he did so.

He cleared his throat awkwardly, "We're uh, gonna take a walk."

"Dude, we're supposed to be fuckin' practicing!" Lars groaned, on for James to harshly nudge him with his elbow.

"That's fine, just don't take too long." James said, sending a small smile my way.

Kirk squeezed my hand lightly, and led me upstairs and out of the front door.

Once we were outside, he let go of my hand, and shoved his into the pockets of his leather jacket.

We momentarily walked in silence, but it was the comfortable kind. Just enjoying each-others presence, as the crisp fall air surrounded us.

Kirk sighed, kicking a pile of leaves before he spoke.

"Where did you go? I was worried something happened to you, nobody heard anything." He questioned while frowning.

In all honesty, I didn't wanna tell him. I know it'd break his heart, but then again he left me so he can't necessarily be mad.

"I was on tour with Dave, let's just say it didn't work out." I mumbled, partially embarrassed.

I saw a tinge of pain in his eyes as I said it, but he quickly tried to shake it away.

"What do you mean it didn't work out?" He asked softly.

"I mean we technically weren't officially together, but he cheated on me I guess. He fell back into his addiction too, he was like pushing me and being a total dick. So I just had to get out of it." I shrugged.

"He's an asshole. You don't deserve that." Kirk said, looking at me sadly.

"I don't know I guess I was really only with him to try and fill this empty void I felt." I muttered guiltily.

"What void? When did that start?" He furrowed his brows at me.

I hesitated partially embarrassed, before looking back at him. His soft brown eyes, pleading me to just talk to him about it.

"After you left." I said lowly.

I looked at him momentarily after I said it. I could tell by the look on his face, that his heart shattered the second the words had left my mouth.

"Hailey I'm so fucking sorry. You don't understand how horrible I felt that morning." He blurted out, choking on his words.

"I just don't understand why you did it.I thought things were going well." I frowned at him, trying to refrain tears from spilling out of my eyes.

"They were going well, I promise you. Honestly things were perfect. So perfect that I just started feeling really strong things, really fast and it scared the shit out of me." He quickly rambled, swiftly turning so he was walking in-front of me.

"Why'd you get so distant then? You could've talked to me I would've helped you." I said softly.

"That's not why I was distant baby." He paused, and frowned.

I furrow my brows at him, with concern.

"I got addicted to coke. I'm fine now, I got clean, but I just didn't wanna tell you. I couldn't bare to hear the disappointment in your voice once you found out." He sighed.

I felt my heart shatter, the thought of Kirk going through that physically hurt. I couldn't even find the right words to say after that. What if something happened to him?

Kirk looked at me, his expression dropping more. He stopped walking and turned to me, cupping my face with both of his hands.

"I'm okay now, I promise you." He said choking up again. "And in all honesty I'm even better now that you're here again."

I felt tears welling in my eyes, I was overwhelmed with so many emotions, and it extremely was confusing.

"I still don't understand why you left." I muttered, my voice breaking.

He sighed and sat down on a nearby bench. He gently grabbed my hand, and pulled me to sit next to him.

"I got really fucked up one night, I snorted a shit tone of coke and was drinking on top of it. I was sitting with these guys that we went on tour with, and long story short one of them started saying shit about you, and urging me to break up with you, and I tried getting him to quit but he just wouldn't stop. A few drinks later I just got so fed up, that I just did it without thinking." He explained, his voice breaking more with each word.

"I know it's not an excuse, but I don't want you thinking that you meant nothing to me, because quite frankly you're my entire fucking world. It was the biggest mistake of my life, and I kick myself in the ass for it every fucking day." He looked at me with glossy eyes, squeezing my hand.

I was again, at a loss for words. I was partially filled with relief to know that he wasn't just using me and that I actually did mean something to him. At the same time though, I wish he wouldn't have given in so easily, or even why he gave in so easily.

I was so overwhelmed that I didn't really know what to feel. I wasn't mad at him by any means, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt. Again I seriously didn't know how to feel.

I've gone months, hardly feeling anything. Then the next thing I know, all these emotions are hitting me like a truck.

"Hailey, please say something baby." Kirk looked at me, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Kirk I-" I paused trying to find the right words. "This is just kind of a lot, I need some time to think." I looked at him sympathetically.

"Okay." He sighed, giving me a sweet saddened smile.

We walked back to James's apartment, yet again in silence. It didn't feel awkward, at-least not to me. I was just happy to be around him, even considering the situation.

Once we made it back, he gave me another tight hug as we said out goodbyes. Cliff was going out to the bar with them after practice, so I decided just to go home.

... and do exactly what I told Kirk.

Think.