18 going on 38

chapter 14

"I won't." Maya said, confidently.

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"I feel like a tricheco." Carina groaned as she entered the apartment. Maya was already there, heating up some lasagna Carina had prepared that morning. She'd left Maya very specific instructions on what to do.

"I don't know what that is, but I'm just going to say you look beautiful." Maya laughed.

"Thank you."

"10 more minutes. Why don't you go sit down on the couch?"

"If I sit down, I'll never get back up." Maya smiled brightly and took her hand. She guided Carina to the couch and took her shoes off, before starting to massage her feet.

"You're awfully gleeful today." Carina remarked and Maya chuckled.

"Bri, Avery, Joane, and Sammy are all going to run at state." Maya said as she continued working Carina's feet.

"Aww, Maya, that's great. I'm proud of you."

"Me? They are the ones running."

"I know, but I'm still proud. I can see how much you love them. To be honest Maya, in the hospital when Brianna told me you were a coach I got scared you were like your father. But you are not, you are the opposite and I think you're really making a difference in their lives. A positive one."

"That's all I want." Maya sniffled a little and then she laughed. The lasagna pinged and Carina lifted her feet.

"Wash your hands before you touch my lasagna!" Carina warned.

"I wasn't going to touch it with my bare hands." Maya rolled her eyes as she soaped up her hands.

"How much do you want?" She half yelled, but jumped when she saw that the italian was right behind her.

"As much as you want." Carina said softly. Maya shook her head. She wasn't ready to deal with that right then. They'd been having such a good time being friends lately because Carina stayed out of her way when it came to food.

"You're literally eating for three, that's not fair."

"Okay, fair. I want double what you want." She tried again. Maya gave her the spatula and grabbed some salad for herself. She was angry and felt cornered and she demonstratively sat down at the table. Carina flinched at Maya's movements but she said nothing, she just quietly dished up some lasagna for herself, along with some bread. And sat down opposite her. It reminded Maya of her mom. The way she'd act around her dad when he got mad.

She didn't want Carina to be scared of her.

She didn't want to be aggressive.

"It's about control, I think." Maya admitted softly. "It was never this bad when I lived with my parents. I had a diet that I stuck to and I followed iit. And then I lost all the control, I lost his control and I was trying so hard to be disciplined, to prove to myself that I didn't need him to lose weight. And now it's the only way I feel in control."

Carina reached her arm out on the table, Maya grabbed it.

"Thank you, for telling me, bambina."

"Maya." Maya laughed. "I'm going to lose this one aren't I?"

"Afraid so." Carina quipped and winked and Maya grabbed her fork and pushed some salad into her mouth. Carina didn't pay her any attention, and Maya was grateful.

"Have you gone back to Dr. Aarons?" Carina asked.

"No. Do you think I should?"

"I think she has a few ways to help you feel in control again."

"Okay." Maya whispered. "Hey, look over there." Maya pointed behind Carina with her fork and leant over the table to snatch a bite of lasagna from her plate. Carina caught her and shook her head.

"I just want you to know you just stole food from hungry children." Maya laughed loudly and swallowed.

"Worth it." She beamed and Carina laughed.

⎯⎯⎯

"Hey, did you ever tell 19 what happened to you?"

"Yeah. Or ehm, Andy did. I went out with them a few times."

"Oh, and..?"

"I like them, they are fun. They're going out tonight."

"Why are you here then?" Carina asked, sitting up to look at the blonde. She had stopped by unannounced, like she had almost every night since they decided to be friends over a month ago.

"I didn't want you to be lonely." Maya shrugged.

"Maya, you don't have to be here every night. I'm okay, I feel a lot less lonely now. You can go hang out with your friends." She pushed the blonde a little bit to get her to stand up. Maya walked to the front door and then stopped.

"I don't want to." Maya said sadly and sniffled.

"Okay, hey, what's the matter?" Carina opened her arms. "You don't have to go." Maya nodded and sat back on the couch before falling into Carina's arms.

"Everyone commented on my weight." Maya cried and Carina felt herself get angry.

"Shh, you're perfect. You're always perfect." Carina soothed.

"And, and, and." Maya's breath hitched, Carina waited patiently for Maya to get out what she wanted to say. "Jack." She cried. Carina held her tighter.

"What did he say?"

"That we used to sleep together." Okay Carina thought, not the worst thing in the world. "He thought it was funny I thought I was a virgin and told people around the table as a joke." Carina was going to kill him. Did none of them understand that Maya's psyche wasn't where it had been when she was 38? Did they not understand that, maybe Maya didn't find the hazing as fun? "He also said he could teach me." Maya shuddered. "And when I said no, he said I just need to drink more. I think he was kidding."

"I think he was too, but that wasn't funny." Carina said. Maya cried harder and hid her face in Carina's neck. "I never understood, but you guys always showed affection towards each other by being mean and teasing. That's what they were doing. It wasn't nice, but it was their way of showing that they love you."

"That's stupid." Maya laughed. Carina kissed the top of her head.

"Oh, you have no idea how many times I've tried to tell you that."

"Should I sit back up?" Maya asked in a way that made Carina think she really didn't want to.

"No, you're warm and comfy. Can you stay like this a little longer?"

"Yeah." Maya smiled contently.