screw the past

Ch 4. Memories

"I used to do war paint every show. I can handle your eyeliner," he mocks my question. "My left eye does streaks and my right has the upside down crucifix," he laughs after I give in and tell him how to do the makeup. "What's so funny?" He shakes his head before answering me, "you called it a crucifix you saint," I push him away with the comment. "I skipped the same masses you did," I state letting him come close again. "Wait, can you do red eyeshadow?" He smiles before setting down the pencil and picking up my eyeshadow palette.

Fed Up By Beartooth as Panic by The Wicked End

I'm so fed up I've had it
I'm so fed up I've had it
I'm so fed up I've had it
I never want peace, I thrive in the panic

Fed up with you, fed up with my friends
Fed up with seeing Hell in my head
Fed up with life, fed up with the sun
Fed up with myself telling everyone

I don't wanna be so sympathetic now (Woah)

I don't wanna be so sympathetic now
Don't need any help, I'm figuring it out
You don't need to understand it
When I'm the one that's static
I'm so fed up I've had it
I never want peacе, I thrive in the panic

Fed up with mе, fed up with my lies
Fed up with letting you see inside
Fed up with getting better right now
Fed up with everyone telling me how

I don't wanna be so sympathetic now (Woah)

I don't wanna be so sympathetic now
Don't need any help, I'm figuring it out
You don't need to understand it
When I'm the one that's static
I'm so fed up I've had it
I never want peace, I thrive in the panic

I thrive in the panic
I thrive in the panic
I thrive in the panic
I thrive in the panic

I need out
Yeah
I don't wanna be so sympathetic now (Woah)
I don't wanna be so sympathetic now
Don't need any help, I'm figuring it out
You don't need to understand it
When I'm the one that's static
I'm so fed up I've had it
I never want peace, I thrive in the panic

Andy walked into the bus, without a word I know it's because there's a party going on in his. He sits down next to me, I watch as he sits there, still wordless.

"I'll bite, what's up?" He turns to look me in the face after I let the question out.

"Are we good?" I don't know Beirsack, are we? Does only one of us get to decide that? Who am I to say yes? But he's asking so obviously that means he's good with me.
If I said no, if I said I hate his guts.. what would he do?

Hate me right back? I don't hate him. I don't think I really ever did or will. I hated the way he acted like a lone wolf and like no one could ever fathom his thoughts enough to share them. I still hate the way he speaks like the world could end if he didn't say what he wanted. But I don't hate him. Although teenage me would scream if she heard me say that.

"Yeah, I think so," my voice was definitely overcome with unsureness. Still, he nodded, looking not at me but my way. He's so obviously lost in thought. "What're you thinking about?"

"I shouldn't keep getting mad at you for making a smart decision." What? "You know, uh for- for not coming to LA with me. You're right, you made the right decision. The decision to stay behind, your band is amazing, you're amazing. You know that- um so it's just, I'm sorry for starting the argument this morning. You really probably set the stone for us all to succeed." He stutters out. Even when he's throwing up words he never drops the confidence from his voice. It's admirable because he really never sounds stupid even when he makes shit up to keep talking as long as possible. I know saying thank you for the apology isn't the right response, so I stay silent.

After a while of silence I fold and open my mouth.
"You know, I used to be so jealous of you," he doesn't respond so I continue, "you do this job with such ease. Everything that comes out of your mouth especially in interviews, even when you seem like you're just spitting out as many words as you can, sounds so thought out as if someone had given you time to plan your answers in advance."

"I never know what's about to come out of my mouth, Liz" he responds this time just to tear himself down. So I give him another reason for my jealousy, "your voice is such a natural talent, the way you can switch up from screaming to that deep raspy voice. The range you've shown through the Andy Black project. I don't know how you do it but god.. I was so insanely jealous of how you were just some 19 year old from my school and all the sudden you were a rockstar. I mean come on, living the entire type of life, you know, even the shitty parts but you had the whole story." I ramble on about my envy.

"If anyone is meant to be jealous, it's always been me. You've always been not only an incredible singer but performer and writer. Your creativity, the way you twist your words. Liz I was jealous of you." I know we've had this conversation, I think we have to reiterate all our thoughts to each other because we held them inside for so goddamn long. I never thought I'd even tell him this shit, I'd be embarrassed to even let the words out of my mouth.

"So what? We just get to be super talented friends now I guess."