𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐏 ☆ ᴛ. ᴛᴜʀɴᴇʀ

𝟓𝟎. 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

dear reader,

i never understood why girls fall in love.

but i think i found the love of my life, and i didn't even know it. sometimes i still think i dont know it. and he's always been right in front of me.

i never knew it. i never knew what it could be like. i could've convinced myself about a thousand times that i was "in love", but how could i be something i never understood. the feeling when you've reached the end of the story. the guy gets the girl, but for her the girl finally got the guy.

our connection is the most beautiful thing i have ever felt. i've never felt like someone would give up everything for me. but i know you would.

i'll latch onto anyone i have, but i've never been so scared to lose someone. and i've lost more than i can remember, and nothing phases me anymore. moving on was always easy for me to do, but god i would be so lost if i lost him.

and he would never leave me. he couldn't. he doesn't want to. i know that much. but why does every moment away from him leave a lingering feeling that he's gone forever.

i want to stay in la forever. and i know he wants to stay too. so why does every second feel like one step further from dodger stadium.

maybe im just paranoid, maybe im going insane. but just maybe the thing i love most is moving further and further away from me. and there's no combination of words that i could put into a sentence to express the emotions i've been feeling lately.

and i know that you don't know it but i would give anything to keep you by my side.

it feels like you're the only thing that hasn't turned on me. they judge me like a picture book. a manager who sleeps with her star shortstop. id give me shit too if i didn't know any better. with all the love i've received from fans, not everyone is your friend. i've learned that. but when it felt like the stars began to fall from the sky, and the seas rose over the shore, it was him that stood beside me. its like you're the only thing i need with me.

and i never thought i cared what they thought of me. i didn't. but maybe the eyes of the rest of the world felt like a thousand little needles across my skin, but there were just so many i couldn't feel it.

even in my worst times, you could see the best in me. and of course we've had our downs but we've had way more ups. every second with you i wish i could make last forever.

please keep the way you care about others, but don't just give your words away to anybody. but i know you don't.

keep the way you respect everyone. keep the way you'd give back at any moment. keep the way you smile. keep the way you play with your thumbs when you're nervous. keep the way you put others first. keep the way you laugh at everything.

and besides him, i've been lucky enough to have met two others who have changed my life.

to my sweet sweet mookie,

for years i hoped to find a friend so thoughtful, funny, and considerate. you have been such a gift. i am so grateful for the times i've spent with you. you've taught me so much about myself that i didn't even know existed. the passion in your heart is electric, and i can feel your energy every time your nearby. please never lose the love in your heart. it is more pure than you know.

and to my dearest cody,

you are a mirror of me. and i think that i could cry with you for the next 20 years of my life. thank you for being you. through everything we've been through, you're still here. no matter how much you stress me out, i cannot thank you enough for it. you make me so much stronger than what i could've ever imagined to be. someone like you should never be taken for granted. i love you through the thick and thin.

the time i've spent in la has been the best time of my life. and the memories i've made will remain forever. i'm forever grateful for the things i've learned from the amazing people there.

but for right now, ill have to take some time away from everything. what i thought i lost has found its way back to me. i will have to come back to you all soon. but for now, i'm home.

i guess maybe this is goodbye, and i'll see you when it's brighter out.

yours,
vanessa