Deprived

Chapter 50 - Contribution

Jesse remembered Xavier's vow that he would never push to satisfy his own sexual needs. That he was happy to keep things platonic if it meant to keep Jesse sane and safe.

But that was just the thing. Even though Jesse was traumatized, he wanted more.

He wanted to wipe out those disgusting phantom touches that his body remembered, wanted to erase all the bad sexual interactions he had.

Jesse just didn't have a clue if he was physically ready. There were times when Xavier hugged or touched him in a certain way, the hairs in his nape stood up and his body jerked away on its own.

"Let's get you inside and warmed up darling." Xavier smiled, offering Jesse his arm and grinned as the Deprived intertwined their arms with a soft smile on his own.

Jesse took one last deep inhale of the Magnolia smell before smiling as he also picked up on Xavier's cologne. Appreciating the effort the Improba made into presenting himself towards Jesse.

As they entered the house, Jesse felt a bit teary eyed at the kindness, affection and patience that Xavier continuously showed.

While Jesse tugged off his coat, Xavier had already plucked a set of soft, fluffy socks from the closet, easily taking Jesse's coat and hanging it up while offering the socks to the young Deprived.

And as Jesse walked in the living room, feeling a soft chill darting down his spine, Xavier was already crouched in front of the fireplace, starting up a small fire.

I didn't even need to ask anything or suggest it....

So when Xavier dusted off his hands after feeding a few logs to the snapping fire and stood up, Jesse's emotions swelled before realizing he stood in the middle of their living room.

Crying like an abandoned, lost child.

"Aw, sweetheart." Xavier's voice sounded choked, as if he was experiencing Jesse's anguish. Hurrying to his side in a heartbeat before gently cradling Jesse against his body. "It's okay. You're okay."

Jesse latched on while shaking his head. Unable to speak as he tried and failed to stifle the sobs that tore through his throat. "I'm not...I'm not sad. I'm just..." He waved his hand, unable to find the correct word that truly showed how he was feeling.

Xavier hummed soothingly, gently brushing over Jesse's back before he made a sound of realization. "You're overwhelmed?" He questioned, smiling at Jesse's tearful nod against his chest.

"Can you tell me what you were thinking about before you got upset?" He inquired gently, guiding them to the couch before pulling Jesse in his lap and covered them with one of the plush throw blankets.

Jesse inhaled shakily, eagerly accepting the tissues offered to him. "I... I was thinking that I..." He swallowed, nervously fidgeting with the tissues, "I wanted to do more. To be more."

Xavier didn't interject, just patiently listened as Jesse tried to align his thoughts. "I want to get better, genuinely better. I hate feeling these touches, hate the memories that come with them and I'm happy, no, grateful that you're giving me time and space. But I-...I-"

His mate sighed softly, readjusting their position to he could look down at Jesse's tearful expression. "You want the pain, the bad memories to go away. Want to replace them with good ones."

The Deprived nodded, amazed that Xavier understood him with ease. The Improba wetted his lips before nodding to himself.

"We both have less than stelar experiences into matehood and what it entails." Xavier motioned to himself, "I never got to even meet my Beloved and we both know your experience darling."

Jesse felt another unnatural chill run over his back before he leaned forwards, burrowing his face against Xavier's throat. "I know." Xavier murmured. "I just don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, to set you back on your recovery. Which, may I remind you, you've done excellent work in."

"But I want you to feel safe with me. And while I am happy that you feel you can push yourself, I just want you to remember that you don't need to push yourself. Take as much time as you need, go as slow as you need." Xavier pressed a kiss against Jesse's forehead. "Okay?"

The Deprived nodded again, feeling his lip wobble but he fought back the tears as much as possible. Xavier smiled, uttering a warm "Good." Before he relaxed further against the couch. "I am yours darling. Always am and always will be. If you want to explore this relationship further then I will follow your lead. So what is it that you want to do?"

Jesse blinked before flushing as he looked down at Xavier, just now realizing where he was seated and how the man's muscles flexed underneath his shirt.

It sounded so stupid but.... "Can I...t-touch?" Jesse cringed back at the awkward question but felt a warm glow in his chest as Xavier simply opened his arms in silent consent.

It was more than Jesse could hope for. More than he deserved. But then he reminded himself that no, this was exactly what he deserved.

He deserved consent. He deserved appreciation. And he deserved to be happy, at least for once in his miserable life.