Is Love Enough ??

Chapter 49

Maan could have bitten his tongue any day than cause that look of anguish on Kirti's face. She looked as if one of her worst fears had come true and she was ready to collapse any second now. A part of him did question why she was looking like that? Granted, it wasn't the best line to start with but it wasn't the declaration for end of the world either. Maybe he should continue. But before that he needed to get some color back into her face.

"Don't look like that," he said a little hoarsely. He just couldn't stand it.

Kirti looked away to stare at his feet. She was struggling with how she was feeling. But just the thought of it ending was too painful to bear. She swallowed hard then finding some courage inside her she took in a deep breath and looked at him. She could wallow in self-pity at a later point. She knew she would never force him to stay on if he didn't want to anymore. What she will do after that however, would be something she could think later, she will have all her life to do so. One thing she knew for sure and that was there never would be another.

Maan had no idea what she was thinking so earnestly about. He had seen her look away for a few seconds and then look back at him. He had seen her draw in a deep breath. The expression she now presented him was one of calm acceptance though her eyes reflected an inner turmoil. He smiled humorlessly. Trust him to mess things up. If his assessment was correct, she had misunderstood something he had said.

"I didn't start right did I," he said mockingly and at the confused look on her face he shook his head, "it is difficult Kirti," he said on a sigh, "for someone as emotionally scarred as me to talk about emotions," he said gravely.

Kirti started at that. She wanted to deny what he was saying but she couldn't. Because it was the truth. He always reasoned rationally, never emotionally. When he did react emotionally most often than not there were fights similar to the one he had had with Veer this evening. He always kept himself far away from such situations. For now, he was trying to say something and she had to be patient.

"Your father was right when he called me 'damaged goods'," he said quietly and Kirti felt her heart twist in pain, "you don't have to feel bad Kirti, he was right," he added when he saw the look on Kirti's face, "I may be arrogant, I may be stubborn but I do have it in me to accept what is true," he said drily, "I am not famous or let's say infamous for being stupid," he said mockingly. Only he was mocking himself. He saw protest form in Kirti's eyes. She was such a sweetheart. He didn't deserve her. But he couldn't do without her either. He had insulted her when he had proposed to her. He had insulted her person, her love for him, her belief too. But despite that she had trusted him. He would make it right for her. For him. For them. Nobody and he meant it nobody will ever talk to her the way her family had today. Never will she face such a situation again. But he had to tell her that. Apologize for being such a fool where she was concerned. Apologize for all that she had to bear because of him and his ideas. Ask for her forgiveness. And propose to her the way she deserved. And if she accepted him after that then cherish her for always. Though God knew she had all the reasons to reject him.

"Though when it came to you and our relationship I have been all kinds of stupid," he told her and gave her a short laugh devoid of any humor, "in my bid to stay away from emotional involvements, relationships, commitments to social conventions that I didn't even realize how selfish I had become," he said derisively, "I guess I always had been a little, but when it came to you, I became even more," he said, "how conveniently I had justified my thoughts and actions on others and how they had treated me, how they had treated each other," he said frustrated with himself, "and in all that I saw, I heard, I felt I consciously or subconsciously buried the real reason under layers of garbage I fed myself and you," he said harshly, "you told your parents that I had never lied to you, that I was brave about being myself but...." He said and turned away from her. He couldn't look at her and say one of his deepest secrets that he himself had consciously forgotten. He couldn't bear to see her trust in him shatter. So, he turned around and fixed his gaze on the clock that hung on the wall. "But I lied Kirti, to you, to myself, to the whole world," he said tensely not sure of how she was taking his words. He so wanted to turn around and see but he couldn't he wouldn't be able to cope with derision or worse, tears. Though he knew he would be responsible for either or all of those emotions. And then her quiet voice broke through his thoughts.