The Christmas Party

Empty Space

So what the fuck?

"Trouble in paradise?" Soojoo asked, approaching my desk. My hand was still on the picture. I pulled it back like I'd been burned.

I looked at her and I felt a hatred for her bubble up inside of me that I'd never known; I've never known anger like this. I clamped my jaw shut, my heart pumping so fast as the adrenaline coursed through me.

"Everything's fine," I said through gritted teeth.

"Really? It doesn't seem-"

"Can you just get the fuck away from me?" I exploded. Jungkook was at my side in a second and leading me out of the office. Heads were turned to stare at us but I didn't care. I ducked my head down because I knew I was crying.

"You good?" Jungkook asked when we'd walked several blocks away from the office. He'd had enough wherewithal to grab our coats. Snow dusted our hair and shoulders.

"I'm fine."

Jungkook shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and stayed silent for a bit longer. It seemed he'd sensed me calm down because he tried again when I was much less angry.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shrugged. What was there to talk about? I didn't even know what happened.

"Did you and your girlfriend break up?"

Did we?

"I'm not sure," I confessed.

"I'm a really great listener if you want to talk."

I sighed and wiped my tears away. He offered me a handkerchief and I couldn't help but laugh.

"You carry one of these around?"

"Yeah, you'll never know when you need one."

Jungkook looked so earnest and so caring I decided to tell him everything, beginning with a heavy sigh.

"Basically it started when Soojoo forced me to go to the Christmas party," I began. I told Jungkook everything: the scramble for the date, Jennie's reluctant help, then all the small moments that made me fall for her, our kiss at the Christmas party, bringing her home, then the... What? The breakup? Whatever it was.

"She told me she needed space and that was it. I don't know what happened. She hasn't spoken to me. She told me she loved me too. She told me we weren't moving too fast. All of her actions are the exact opposite of what she said. It's like everything was a lie or, I don't know, she's a different person. That's how it seems: she was one person now she's a different person." I shook my head. "I know I'm probably not explaining this well, but I don't know how we went from talking about not wanting to wake up alone and a wedding -even if it wasn't serious -to her telling me she needed space."

Jungkook hummed, a crease in between his eyebrows while he thought. "That is very strange. I can't really see what happened either."

"I don't know what I did."

"Why did you have to do something?"

"Isn't that why relationships end?"

"Not necessarily. Relationships end because because people don't deal with their bullshit."

"What do you mean?"

Jungkook shrugged. "I don't know her at all and- honestly I hardly know you so it's hard to say. But if it seems like nothing happened; something could be happening in here." Jungkook pointed to his heart and then to his head. "I don't know what she's wrestling with, but it doesn't really sound like you did anything."

"Unless I did."

Jungkook made a face. "Unless you did, but again, it doesn't like it based on what you said. Something scared Jennie and that something is very personal and private and much as she is trying to hide whatever it was something triggered that insecurity and made it more powerful than her feelings for you. Fear is a very real and powerful enemy and it can make people do stupid, uncharacteristic things."

"What do I do?"

"That's not something I can answer for you."

I felt the hot tears prickle at my eyes again. "So I just-what? Let her push me away?"

Jungkook put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I can't answer that either."

We walked in silence back to the office and when we got back, Jungkook held me at the door. "Why don't you just go home early? I'll bring your bag down and tell everyone you weren't feeling well."

"Does not feeling well make someone yell at a co-worker?" I asked, feeling like an asshole even if Soojoo deserved it.

"No, but is anyone going to be mad at you yelled at her? It's Soojoo."

"HR might."

"Then I'll say you have some family stuff going on and would rather be left alone for a while. I'll tell Soojoo you're sorry too."

"Thanks Jungkook. Seriously. You're actually a pretty cool guy."

"Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

Jungkook returned a few minutes later with my bag and wished me well. He told me he would handle everything and I was extremely grateful for his help today. I went straight home and turned on The Office. I didn't bother changing, I didn't even have the energy. I pulled my shirt out of my pants and collapsed on my couch. I must have just fallen asleep because I woke up and it was pitch black outside. My stomach was cramping with hunger and I realized I'd forgotten to eat today.

I reached for my phone to check the time: midnight. I had several texts from Taehyung but nothing from Jennie. Reality hit me again like a slap in the face and I lost my appetite again.

I dragged myself to the bathroom, stripped, left my clothes all over the floor and climbed into the warm shower. I don't know how long I stood in there but I eventually pulled myself out and crawled to bed. I thought about what Jennie said to me in the car, about how she didn't want to sleep alone. I reached out my hand felt the empty space next to me and cried.