Finding Mr. Knight (DDLB) | ✔️

20.

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Alek
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After I left Noah on the couch, I leaned against the wall and watched him for a moment. He looked stressed. Really fucking stressed.

I put him into little space for a second time and not for good reasons either. No matter what I do, I'm constantly messing something up with him. Maybe I'm selfish, but I can't find it in me to let him go.

The issue is that I keep telling Noah to trust me and that he should feel safe, or that I wouldn't hurt him, but I'm doing the exact opposite of everything I said I would do. All I want to do is to take care of my beautiful boy, but I can't even seem to do that right.

I miss the way life was two years ago before everything happened. The things I've been through, the things I've seen. . .  It's fucked me up for life and not only mentally can I not escape it, but physically, either. I don't want to be the person I pretended to be in Russia. That man wasn't me. He isn't me, but it doesn't feel like I have a choice. Especially not if I want to protect Noah.

Viktor sending his men after me is one thing, but putting Noah's life in danger? I can't let that happen, not again. I will die before I let him get hurt.

I knew I should have taken Viktor out when I had the chance, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, no matter how terrible of a person he is. I should have, but my conscience wouldn't let me.

That's what I get for having a heart, I suppose.

I wandered into the kitchen, placing all different sorts of snacks on a tray for Noah to choose from. I did some grocery shopping the other day and got some things for him to eat just in case he ended up back here. It's a good thing I did, I just wish it were under different circumstances.

I hate that he has to be scared to go into little space like this. I want him to be comfortable enough that he can just do it when he feels. Maybe one day I can get us to that point, but it feels like we've got a long way to go from here.

When I walked back into the living room, Noah was curled into a tiny ball with his face hidden in the cushions. It wasn't difficult to hear him sniffling quietly. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. My heart felt as though it was twisting in my chest.

I set the tray down on the coffee table and dropped to my knees in front of him.

"Noah? Noah baby, look at me."

He didn't respond so I set my hand on his arm, moving it back and forth in a soothing motion.

"Look at me, malysh. (Baby) You're too beautiful to let yourself cry like this." I spoke lowly, brushing a strand of hair from his eyes.

"Y-You scare me today. It m-make me sad, daddy."

Noah's eyes went wide than I've ever seen them go. It was obvious he didn't mean to call me daddy, but it felt so natural coming from his beautiful mouth. I didn't bother correcting him either. Why would I? The way my heart filled with so much love from one damn word was insane to me.

One day I'll make sure Noah says that without an ounce of hesitation.

"I sorry, I didn't mean—"