lover/fighter - Finnick Odair

Chapter 8 - Sad like the ocean

Across from the training center for the games is a second high-rise building, larger and higher than the one for the tributes. You could say the building is like a big hotel, but only certain guests are there. Finnick remembers admiring the gigantic building before his games and wondering who would live in such a monstrosity. Today he wishes he had never found out.

This building is mainly used by the victors during their visits to the Capitol. It has plenty of beautiful and sumptuous rooms, even bigger than in the training center. The Capitol's favorites, who spent significantly more time here than the other victors, even got entire floors to themselves, including Finnick. Now, however, he stands a few floors down in one of the many dressing rooms, because pretty much everything outside of the bedroom that was important to his work at the Capitol took place somewhere in this complex, which is why the stylist teams spent so much time here.

Finnick watches as thousands of raindrops fall from the sky like tears behind the thick barrier of glass. It almost seems as if the world itself is mourning the people down there on the streets of the Capitol, hurrying past each other in search of shelter from the merciless weather. He wants nothing more than for the prison of stone and glass around him to disappear so that the comforting wet can cover him. He wants to be soaked from head to toe, to have all his worries simply washed away by the water, that would at least bring him a little peace. All this is not granted to him, and so he remains alone with his longing.

He has always loved water. It brought him peace and security, like the arms of a mother. Its infinite blue makes some people afraid, and rightly so, the water can be merciless if you do not give it the respect it deserves. For Finnick this has never been a problem, he was born in the water, it was his home, he has never been afraid of it. Therefore, whenever he closes his eyes in search of comfort, he sees the vast blue of the sea of his homeland.

But it is never the same blue. Those who grow up by the sea know that the ocean has not one color but thousands. The sea has many faces, and in its color it communicates its emotions to you. On sunny summer days it shines turquoise, happy and playful, when a storm comes it turns so dark blue that it seems almost black, threatening and openly warning that it is not in the mood to welcome visitors from the mainland to its vastness.

Finnick can imagine exactly what color the sea is in District 4 today, on a cold, unfriendly autumn day. The wind is light so the waves would only be small, the gray of the sky reflected in the blue water makes the sea look like liquid ice with the millions of tiny raindrops beating down on it and keeping the surface in motion. The sight would convey a certain sadness, but even a sad sight can be of breathtaking beauty.

Ice blue, the color of his much loved sea while it mourns. It is the same color as the eyes that have haunted his dreams for the past two nights. The same color as Rhea Lafey's eyes, and the same sadness.

During all the time he had spent with her, he had never really thought about what he was seeing. At first, he had openly opposed it. He had convinced himself that she was no different than his other clients. He would entertain her at Snow's behest until his assignment was finished, and after that she would be just another name on the long list of Capitolites who had stolen a small part of his life.

With that attitude he had gone to see her, but all too soon he had lost control of the situation. When he left later on, the reason he stopped looking her in the eye was no longer because he found her repulsive. He had made her feel ashamed of herself in front of her. A feeling that he knew only too well from his beginnings in this occupation, but which he had banished long ago for his own sake.

The only reason he can still look in the mirror in the morning without seeing himself as utterly despicable is that he can blame his clients for everything. They are the ones who do this to him, they are the ones who take pleasure in his suffering, they are the ones on whom his hatred is directed and they are the ones who have to feel shame for what happens in the hotel rooms and expensive apartments he is ordered to.