When I sat down, I scrolled through my phone, trying to find something to do.
I created social media pages to look more normal to the world but didn't have any friends to really talk to.
It was such a sad life and I found myself looking at the contacts of the people who I considered to be my brothers.
My family.
I let my thumb hover over Sam's contact for a second before I clicked down on it, causing my phone to call his.
I sighed and leaned back, taking a drag of the cigarette between my fingers. "Colby?" Sam answered after a couple of rings.
"Hey." I said with a sigh. "Holy shit. It's really you." He said as I nodded. "Surprise." I said with a laugh.
"How's normal life treating you?" Sam asked as I leaned back. "It's hard and I'd be lying if I said I enjoy it." I said and took another hit.
"You regret it?" He asked as I shook my head. "I don't regret taking Julia away from all of the violence but I miss feeling important." I said as he hummed.
"Understandable. I gotta be honest, I miss hearing from you." Sam said as I nodded and looked inside to make sure Julia wasn't watching me.
"Yeah, I do wish things could be different. I wish I could go back in time to the night we took her." I said and closed my eyes, hating the way those words felt coming out of my mouth.
"Woah. So you do regret meeting her?" Sam asked as I groaned.
"It's so complicated. I feel like I had to choose between the love of my life and myself and I chose her...I want to be better for her but I'm just not adjusting well." I admitted, running my hand through my hair.
"Give it some time, man. You haven't even been out for a year. Maybe you'll find a new passion." Sam said as I saw Julia come down the stairs.
"Yeah. You're right. I gotta go though. I'll try to keep in touch a little bit." I said as she started walking over to me.
"Alright, bye man." Sam said as I nodded then hung up.
"Hey...everything okay?" Julia asked as she opened the door. "Yeah. Just needed a cigarette." I said and held up the lit cigarette in my hand. "
"Oh." She said as her face fell for a second.
"I'll be in in just a minute." I said with a reassuring smile as she nodded and closed the door. I could tell it bothered her that I was smoking again but it was a coping mechanism for me.
Although it was addicting, I could really stop if I wanted to.
When Julia was in my life I was less likely to smoke but the feelings I have been having lately have made the addiction eat away at me.
I limited myself to one or two a day and I only smoked when the kids weren't around. It was just my little vice and Julia knew that.
I finished my cigarette then went inside and upstairs to our room.
"Are you okay?" Julia asked as I walked into the room. "Yeah, I'm fine." I said with a nod. "Okay...who were you talking to out there?" She asked and picked at her nails nervously.
"Spam call about wifi or something." I said with a shrug then took her hands. "I'm fine, sweetheart." I said then kissed her.
She sighed against my lips and wrapped her arms around my neck.
She melted into me like she normally did, letting me kiss away all the tension that was within her.
I hated that I wasn't being totally truthful, but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. A five minute conversation every once in a while with Sam wouldn't hurt her.
It would maybe keep me sane though.
"You look tired." I hummed quietly, brushing Julia's hair from her face. "I am. I just want to spend time with you though." She said and brought her hand to my cheek.
"We can hang out for a little while. What do you want to do?" I asked as she smiled.
"I kinda want to take a bath." She said with a mischievous smirk. "Say less." I said then scooped her into my arms and carried her towards the bathroom.
I hated that I was doubting anything about our simple little relationship.
I loved Julia more than words could truly describe, but things were completely different now.
There wasn't that element of danger and that feeling of fierce protection towards her.
Of course I was still protective of her and the kids but there was really no danger other than normal people doing normal things.
I'm sure there were hidden gangs here that could do some real damage to us but we were normal people in their eyes.
Julia and I obviously loved each other very much and we wanted to be together, but there was a certain spark that missing.
The danger and thrill of being a couple in the crime world was over.
It was a weird shift being a normal couple doing normal things.
It was a shift that I was afraid I would fuck up.
