Shades of Kagan

Chapter 30

"I'm not getting any better day by day. I can feel that my body is already failing me." She said when her breath started to get even. I swallowed hard. The light atmosphere we had just vanished into a thin air. The room ambiance becomes heavy, and that's because of halmeoni's having a hard time breathing. Hindi ko pinakita kay halmeoni na ang nararamdaman kong takot para sa kanya. Pero kahit hindi ko sabihin ay mukhang nakikita niya ito sa mga mata ko.

"Avianssi, you're giving me that look again." Halmeoni stopped and looked over me. Maybe, trying to figure me out. Even though her eyes were narrowed, she still could see me. At her age, halmeoni is not wearing any glasses.

"Halmeoni?" I called her because I don't think I can follow.

"Look of fear, Avianssi." She said softly, with a little smile resting on her lips.

"But you know, you have to learn about detachment. Do you know the meaning of detachment, Avianssi?" I touched my jaw and thought of an answer. I think hard to define what detachment is because I don't want to disappoint halmeoni with my answer.

"Isn't detachment like the same with separation, halmeoni? You separate yourself from something or someone and disconnect yourself with your emotions."

"Let me tell you about this, Avianssi. Detachment has a more deeper meaning than that. Rather than disconnecting yourself from emotions, detachment is where you let your emotions penetrate you. Being detached doesn't mean we're separated from someone or something, but it's about clingy to something that troubles us. Recognizing it and letting it go."

Natigilan ako sa sinabi ni halmeoni. Tumigil muna siya sa pagsasalita bago lumanghap ng hangin. Kahit sa paghinga ay nahihirapan siya.

"Detachment is like negative words for us." It is a negative word for me. Because all I know is that detachment is the same as running away. But halmeoni is trying to prove me wrong.

"Halmeoni, I don't think I understand."

"It's freeing yourself, Avianssi. Take me for an example. I am sick, and I will die soon enough. Of course, I feel the fear and the pain of dying. But instead of focusing on these two feelings, I recognized these feelings, and that led me to detachment. Okay, I will die. If this will be my end, so be it. I don't cling to something that will hold me back. And if you don't recognize this feeling, then you won't get pass through this. Since you are too focused on being hurt, focusing on the pain. You just cling and cling until you're full of emotions." It's like halmeoni's approach to detachment is the opposite.

"What I want you to do is recognize your emotions, Avianssi. You know the feeling of grief, then recognize that feeling..."

"And the next step?" I felt like there was a lump in my throat, and I was unable to speak properly.

"That's when you detach, Avianssi." I nodded my head. Na para bang pinapakita ko sa kanya na naiintindihan ko ang ibig niyang sabihin. Halmeoni is in control of her mind. Whenever I'm looking at her eyes as if there are words in them. She coughed again. And again. And again. But she was smiling when our eyes met.

I saw how she sucked her breath as I caressed her back and chest.

"Are you okay, halmeoni?" Sinubukan niyang pagalawin ang kanyang kamay pero dahil nanghihina ang katawan niya ay wala itong magawa. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang bumalik na uit sa normal ang boses ni halmeoni.

"That boy, Kaganssi." Napataas ang kilay ko nang banggitin niya ang pangalan ni Kagan.

"He came. He visited me." Napakunot ang noo ko ng sabihin ni halmeoni na pumunta si Kagan sa kanya. When halmeoni told me the day, that's when Kagan decided to see a psychoanalyst.