Shades of Kagan

Chapter 28

"Most of the kids in that small town are enrolled in different classes. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa piano ako nilagay ng nanay ko. And I don't seem to enjoy it because the piano teacher is strict. Pinapalo niya ang kamay ko sa tuwing nagkakamali ako ng keys na pinipindot. That's why I decided to be good at it because I don't want the teacher to hurt my little hands. And then, one day, I told my mother that I wanted to be a pianist when I grew up." Bumaba ang tingin ko sa aking mga daliri. There's a bittersweet smile on my lips.

"She told me to put my head straight. She signed me up for that piano class so she can brag about it to her friends and not make a career out of it." Shaking my head, I let out a laugh. A laugh that says I am full of regrets.

"I have this friend who was a prodigy. She's good at everything. Her mom and mine were friends since childhood, so we were already expected to be friends too." My voice becomes low. I don't know why I started telling this to him.

"And when I say everything, like everything. She exceled in everything." The mix of pain and hatred always resurfaced when I talked about my mother. Guilt and embarrassment resurfaced when I talked about Emma. And when I talk about both, I want to explode.

"She enrolled me in the piano class because her friend's daughter was enrolled in violin class." I briefly close my eyes when I remember Emma's smiling face.

"My mom kept me comparing to her. Dumating sa punto na tinatanong niya kung kelan ko siya matatalo sa isang bagay. I know what my capabilities are. I know what I can and can't do. And I know that I can't beat her." How could an average person like me compete with a prodigy? Emma was a perfect daughter, pampered with care by her loving father and mother. I was raised by my cheater mother, who only saw me as nothing but an item. How unfair life is!

"Back then, I thought it was normal. I tried satisfying my mother. In the process of growing up, I realized that I was her trophy daughter. She used me to impress other people. I became an extension of her." My heart suddenly clenched on my chest when I still remember myself reaching that unbelievable expectations of her. It was difficult living with my mother. She was one of the reason why I don't want to comeback in my little hometown. I don't even have to worry, she's already busy playing house with Kristoff, her new husband. Kaya ngayon, iniwan ko ang mga bagay na magpapaalala sa akin ng mga pinakaiiwasan ko. I don't want to remember the bitter experience I have growing up. Pero kung ano pa ang gusto mong makalimutan ay 'yun pa ang madalas mong maalala. Buong akala ko ay si Emma lang ang madalas na nakasunod sa akin pero unti-unti kong napagtanto na hindi lang pala si Emma kundi pati na rin ang aking nanay na kahit hanggang ngayon ay meron pa rin inaasahan sa akin. There are times that I just want to let go and stop fighting, just lie on my bed and do nothing. I already learned my lesson but I still don't want to be okay. There, I said it. I want to stop trying. Kaya sumasabay na lang ako sa agos ng buhay kung saan ako dadalhin. It doesn't matter if I like it or not. Hindi na 'yun importante para sa akin.

"I can't imagine the pressure you've been feeling that time, Avian. But I know that you did your best." He said, looking at me. I sensed that Kagan meant those words. Like he was telling me that I can tell him everything that happens between me and my mother. Na para bang sinasabi niya na makikinig siya sa aking kung aabutin man kami ng madaling araw sa paguusap. Biglang nangilid ang aking mga luha pero bago pa sila magsiunahang magsipatakan ay agad ko itong pinunasan.

"And now, I don't know what I want, Kagan." For some reason, telling all these things to Kagan seemed easy and natural. I don't know what I like to become. Dahil sa umpisa pa lang, hindi ako ang nagdedesisyon sa buhay ko. It's always my mother who decides for me.

"Hmm, it makes sense. Not everyone knows what they want." I hummed, agreeing with him. Halmeoni only made it sounds so easy that you can only enjoy life if you know yourself and know what you want. But for most people like me who don't even have an idea for the purpose of our very own existence made the living difficult.