Shikwe

Chapter 2

"STOP IT SEHER!! Just stop" he cups my cheek, the sheen over his eyes has only gotten worse, the tear on the extent of dropping. "You are not ruining my life. I want to be with you, take care of you. I want you! Nothing else. So don't do this baby please!"

"But you deserve better. Someone who won't need you to devote yourself so much to them. Someone who is just as independent and ambitious as you are. My only ambition is to not kill myself or someone else accidentally." My breathing picks up. There it is. The symptoms. But I fight through them. For once I do.

"Our marriage is not normal Reyansh. We've been married for three years and none of our families know. Three years I've shared your bed, and I've hurt you on most nights in my panic. I've broken your heart more times than my hazy mind can count. I've physically wounded you. I've made you bleed for me. How much more until you finally give up?!"

"There is no extent Seher. I love you. I gave you my heart, now you can do whatever you want with it. You can keep it. Break it. Stomp on it or treasure it. My heart is yours and I am not taking it back. It will always be yours, so stop blaming yourself. You can only hurt me by leaving me and that is exactly what you are trying to do."

I cry. I wail in his chest for so long, my chest starts to physically ache. "I saw you laugh today. For the first time since I've known you. I saw you genuinely happy. And that was not because of me. Because I can't even do that. I can't give you even a fleeting moment of enough happiness to break out into laughter. But someone else can. Someone who doesn't remind you of how depressed she is. And that someone isn't me."

He pulls me away from his chest and doesn't even let me mourn the loss of the warmth. His eyes pull my attention to them. His face a mask of dead seriousness. "You think I am not happy?" He doesn't wait for an answer, just pulls completely away from me to run a hand through his hair, clutching them hard enough to pull them off the roots. Frustration. An emotion I am all too familiar with.

"Every single day I get to spend with you makes me happier than the last. You think I am not happy whenever you bring me lunch in my cabin because I forgot mine? You think I am not happy when I cook you breakfast every morning and you smile at me like I gifted you the stars? You think I am not happy when you sit beside me and listen to me playing my piano? You think I am not happy when you very obviously let me win Mario cart because I am a sore loser? You think I am not happy when you save up an extra slice of cake in the fridge because I get midnight cravings? You think I am not happy when every night I sleep with you in my arms? You think I am not not happy with you when every morning I wake up to you sprawled across my chest? You think it doesn't make me happy when every time you tie your hair but then decide against it because I love your hair open?

How can you think that I am not happy? You've never given me a reason to not be happy before. Just looking at you makes me so joyous but mai hamesha hasta to nahi reh sakta na? Iska matlab ye nahi hai ki mai khush nahi hu. Tumse zyada khushi mujhe meri poori zindagi mei kisi ne di hi nahi. To aaj kyu? Kyu tumse meri khushi chheen rahi ho? Yes, we face issues, but our marriage is so much more than that. It's good, fuck that, it's great. So what if there is some trouble? That's what marriage is sweetheart."

(I can't keep laughing all the time.  That doesn't mean that I am not happy. Nobody in my entire life has ever made me as happy as you have. Then why? Why are you stealing my happiness from me?)

I lose my balance. My knees buckle and I almost fall. But once again, he doesn't let me. Strong arms wrap themselves around me just as a few heads turn in our direction. One thing I like about London, is that people here are too busy to focus on other people. People turn back to their own things, walking away.

"It's true. Our marriage might not be the regular, normal one. Our families don't know, but that's because you wanted to be better. I just wanted to respect your decisions. I never wanted to hide our marriage. If you want I can tell them now-"

"And what will you tell them? 'Here, mom, I married a sick girl. She hallucinates things, has tried to kill herself more often than not, she very suddenly gets violent, I've bled more than a couple times because of that, she needs special attention, she is depressed, sometimes she has speech impairment and she even forgets things alot, once, she even forgot who I was.' Is this what you'll tell them?" He stares. Still with so much patience, so much love. My energy has started to dissipate, the tears dripping down my cheeks, over my neck. His hold tightens and I fall more into him.

"No. I am going to tell them that this is the woman I love and the woman I've married. Because it's all that matters."

"Do y-ou, you, th- think that they would ever accept a gg-irl like me f-for a guy like y-ou?" Great, I've started to stutter. It's happening. It usually starts this way. Next is violence, or something else I am not sure.

"I've accepted you, what they think doesn't matter. You are my wife and no one can change that."

Before I respond my eyes turn to Rahul. He stands a few feet away from us and has something in his hand. His posture is off, like he is about to attack. But his eyes are on us. "Reyansh, Rah-ul, he is att-attacking. He-" after alot of effort, my hand reaches forward to point at him. His stance changes again, he pulls back, still guarded.

My husband pulls me close, shoving my face back in his chest. "He is not doing anything, it's okay, you're with me, you are safe." He thinks I am hallucinating but I am not. Or maybe I am, but it all seems to real. Distant voice grates through the air, the pounding in my head turns my vision dark.

"Sir! I have the medication, you just have to inject it."

"No! I'll try to manage. I don't want her to pass out. She will be fine." I fight through my visual impairment. My hand reaches out to attack anything in my way. I try to push away from my husband's chest, but I don't get far. I see through the haze again, it's just silhouettes at first but then it clears. My family. My parents, elder sister. And then his family. His parents, grandparents, siblings. All shocked. They are disappointed. Disapproving of who I am.

Just when I jump away, enough to fall on the floor without support, sharp pain shoots through my neck. Just a pinch, but it's noticeable. I see my husband's teary eyes, and then it's all gone.

🥀

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