Shades of Kagan

Chapter 26

"Family, you say? Hmm..." there's a pause in his voice. Rinig ko ang paglalim ng hininga niya.

"I don't fit into that family, Avi. I was a gate crasher, just someone who suddenly entered the family tree." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Is that how he views his entire family the whole time?

"How can you think that way, Kagan? They lost you back then, but they seem happy and relieved that you're back." Nakita ko ang pagsama ng kanyang tingin sa akin. Nagtataka siguro siya kung paano ko nalaman ang mga bagay na ito.

"May nakapagsabi lang sa akin, Kagan. I'm sorry if I offended you." Uh-oh. He looked like he wasn't happy, that I know.

"Sa tingin mo ba na ngayon ay nakabalik na ako sa kanila ay dito na natatapos ang lahat? Do you think it's enough?" May halong galit na ang boses ni Kagan. This is the rare time to see him mad like this. Did he just snapped at me? I pressed my lips into thin line because I don't know what to say. Ngayon lang yata ako walang masabi sa ganitong sitwasyon.

"If they didn't lose me back then, I wouldn't be like this." His voice is breaking. He sounded like he was about to drop a bomb and no one would survive. There are accusations in his voice. He blames his parents, himself, and the world for what he has become.

"Why? What happened to you?" I asked softly. Deep down, I know that his experience was far worse than mine.

"No, I don't want to know." Biglang bawi ko nang makaramdam ako ng takot para sa aking sarili. Kapag nalaman ko kung ano ang nangyari, ibig sabihin lang nito ay tinatanggap ko siya sa buhay ko. I don't want to be close with someone. I don't want to be close to him. I am already afraid that the wall I've built for the last four years can be easily break only by Kagan's presence.

"Kalimutan mo na lang na nagtanong ako, Kagan." I won't let this curiosity get over me. Because he doesn't have to say it, I know that he came from a very very very dark place. It's enough that I know he has a dual personality, and his parents lost him when he was a child. I don't want my heart to ache for Kagan. I don't want to fall in love again.

Sinumulan kong tumayo at pinagpagpag ang dumi na nakuha ko muka sa pagkaupo.

"Kailangan na natin umalis. Baka tayo gabihin." I was the one who initiated to leave. Kailangan ko na makabalik sa dormitory para masimulan ang paper works na dapat kong ipasa kay Professor Collins. Si Kagan naman ay kailangan na niyang magpakita sa kanyang pamilya para hindi na sila magalala.

Kagan followed but he almost forgot his violin. Napailing na lang ako at ako na mismo ang pumulot nito mula sa sahig. He can't just leave this violin behind. Naglakad na ako papunta sa hagdan at nagsimulang maglakad. It's just funny that I was with Kalix when we got here and I am now with Kagan leaving this place. Ironic. I was the one who lead the way since he doesn't know this place. Mabuti na lang at madali kong natandaan ang lugar pabalik. Besides, I don't want to get lost in this area. Lalo na at puro malalaking puno ang paligid.

Nang makarating kami sa side walk ay nakahinga ako nang maluwag. Finally, I can now see cars everywhere. Tinanong ko si Kagan kung saan niya gusto pumunta ngayon. He answered that he want to go to his studio. Samantalang ako naman ay pabalik na sa dormitory. We've decided to just hail a taxicab and got off in the University. Lalakarin na lang daw niya pabalik sa kanyang studio. Ngayon naman ay magkatabi kaming dalawa back seat. Walang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa kaya tumingin na lang ako sa labas at tiningnan ang ibang mga kotse na dumadaan.

I was thinking about the life I'd got before I met Kagan. I have a routine where every day is just the same. They say, routines are lethal to one's life. I have lost excitement in my life. I wake up, eat, attend my class, eat, attend my shift in the hospital, eat, sleep, and repeat. But when he entered my life, I've been to places I'd never been before. I'm still pondering whether it was a good thing or not.