Almost Love

001. dawn

001. dawn

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THE FIRST TIME I met you was when my friend came over to meet me. I wasn't sure if we were really meant to talk (or meet) but I had seen you around on the university campus. You were with your clique; always smiling or talking or sometimes sitting there just in silence, doing your own things, swimming in your own thoughts. The only thing we had in common was that we were from the same small town. We went to different schools but I had seen you around town too. Your friend was at my school. I could consider her close.

I had just broken up with my boyfriend (or ex). He had told me that he had enough of it, us -him and I-and that he wanted to go out and meet new girls, people. And I was okay with it because I knew from the start that he would not stay with me till the end. I had a feeling deep, deep, deep down that he was just like the other boys I had dated before. Even when we were sitting on my mother's porch, kissing, I knew it. Even when he made me laugh, I knew it. Even when we were in my room-or his- and when he whispered my name like a prayer over and over and over again I knew it. I ignored the feeling and focused on how he made my heart beat a little faster and then, I left our small town just like you did. I left it with an abundance of memories and an empty heart.

Our friend was in town. She was staying here for the night. She had heard the news of us - him and I - breaking up and she wanted to see how I was dealing with it. I was doing well. This had happened to me, maybe a million times. I have lost count now. The hollowness in my heart was somehow covered when I was with him. Not completely but enough to make it easy for me to forget that it existed. It was the same with the rest of them. They would all leave me alone in the end or I would leave them; that's the way the cycle went on.

She came over to my house with bags full of junk food; told me that the only way to survive a breakup was junk food. I just laughed at her and then we spent the night getting shitfaced, talking and watching movies. It felt good to have someone next to you. It made me feel less lonely. I did like being alone, but only sometimes. Other times, it would become too lonely. These times made me realize that loneliness and being alone are two different things. She spent the night over. We ended up falling asleep somewhere in between while watching the movies.

In the morning, she was missing when I woke up. I did freak out a little. But she was in the guest room, searching for an unused toothbrush. She made me feel homesick and also realize why human contact was necessary. Ever since I shifted here, I haven't made any friends or bothered to talk to anyone. I have been trying to distract myself by trying to do something productive; something that will keep me distracted. She smiled at me and asked me if I had any plans. I didn't. So she asked me to join her because she was meeting a friend. I disagreed. And a few hours later, I found myself sitting in a restaurant with her next to me.

You were the person she was meeting. I had a feeling that it was going to be you. That was the first time I talked to you. You were charming and I was shocked to hear that you had seen me around on campus and in town. I was invisible while you were anything but that. After an hour and a half, she said that she had to leave as she had a flight to catch to go back home. You offered to drive her to the airport but she rejected it and then kissed you on your cheek (her lips lingered on your cheeks for a long period) and hugged me before she left.

It was obvious. She had feelings for you; it wasn't big but it was there. You didn't know that. Or maybe you knew and just ignored it (I think it's the latter-you did not want to ruin your friendship with her that's what you told me later). She twirled her hair, batted her eyelashes and touched your arm whenever she could and all you did was push her fingers away, softly. Not wanting to get her hopes high.

It was just you and me now. I was nervous. I just played around with the rings on my fingers and you looked at me and asked me if I had to go home right away. And this time, I said no. Besides, making friends never hurt. We sat there, talking for hours about my life, your life, my past and your past. I felt free when I was with you. It was good. You made me forget all my demons and distracted me from them. I felt happy; I had forgotten how lonely I usually felt. I was too busy trying to distract myself and being numb to feel anything. And you made me forget everything without even putting in any effort.

You then drove me home later on. You even asked me if I wanted to sit with your clique and you, sometimes; I hesitantly said yes. You just laughed at me when I told you that it would feel a little awkward if I sit with you. You then called me cute. My heart stopped. Then we exchanged numbers. It was just the beginning of a new period in my life; a sad, heartbreaking period. And I am still glad that you happened.