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This wasn't the first time. This wasn't the first time a relationship between Cara and Spencer had failed, but she thought—she thought this time would be it. They weren't in love the first time, not really—not like they were now. Not like they used to be. The first time, they were kids. They were eighteen and Cara knew Spencer wouldn't hurt her like Logan did.
Then Ollie died. Ollie died, and her relationship with Spencer followed. They were kids and she was hurting—but two years later, Spencer told her he'd fallen in love with her again and she... she felt the same way. Their friendship post-breakup had been tinged with unresolved feelings. Spencer was—he was good, and Cara loved him. She thought about him all the time. When did Cara stop thinking about him all the time?
This wasn't the first time. But it hurt so much more. His head was in his hands, and he was crying, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She caused this, after all. She went and fell in love with someone else. She caused this.
She was the bad guy.
"I'm sorry," she repeated, hands curled into fists on her lap. "I'm so—so sorry." Her voice broke, hitched on an octave higher than normal.
"You don't have to be," Spencer sniffled. His fingers thread through his hair. He didn't look up. "It's not your fault."
But it was. Cara shouldn't have pursued that improbable friendship with Dylan—shouldn't have pushed it beyond Shelley's twitter post. If she hadn't, Spencer wouldn't be hurting like this and she would still think about him all of the time.
Spencer cleared his throat, dropped his arms. His hand fell to hang between his knees. He didn't look up. "What—What do you want to do now?" He asked, voice hoarse.
"I'm—I don't know," she admitted. "Paisley said I can move in with her and Thea, I—."
She was cut off by Spencer's sharp, shaky intake of breath. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." She nodded. "I don't—I don't want to lose you." It was selfish and she knew it. Here she was, breaking his heart, and she had the nerve to tell him she didn't want to lose him. But she couldn't help it, couldn't stop herself—Spencer was—he was Spencer. He had been in her life since they were kids. He wasn't her first boyfriend but he was her first big love, he was one of her oldest friends—losing him completely felt like losing a limb. She couldn't do it.
She shouldn't have hit reply on any of Dylan's comments, on his message. She should've just let it go—let it pass. She should have told herself that he was out of her league, that anything more was impossible. She shouldn't have been greedy.
"You won't—you..." He sighed and finally, finally looked at her. "I need time, Cara. I can't—I can't do it right now."
"That's—that's okay." She scrambled to grasp his hands in hers. "I know I'm awful—I know. I'm sorry that I'm putting you through this."
Spencer smiled, but it was weak. The kind of smile that had Cara's heart breaking all over again. She wished she could take it all back but it wouldn't have been fair on him. She couldn't have gone on living with him when her heart was with somebody else. It wasn't fair. Spencer deserved only good things. "I love you," he said, and that had the tears falling faster.
"I know," she said, because saying it back would be cruel. "I—."
"Don't say you're sorry," he whispered, shaking his head. "I can't take it anymore." She closed her mouth. Spencer pulled his hands from hers and stood from the sofa. "I'm—I'm going to get some fresh air," he said. He wasn't looking at her again. "Will you be here when I get back?"
"No," she answered.
The door didn't slam behind him. It closed with a soft click.
Cara sat there in the silence for a moment, teary eyes locked on the door Spencer had just disappeared through. She could have gone after him. She could have told him she was wrong—that she didn't want things to end. She could have tried to fix it. But she didn't.
She slumped backwards, shoulders sagging as she slipped further against the sofa cushions. She reached a heavy, trembling hand to clutch at her aching chest. They were supposed to be happy. Everyone always talked about how Cara and Spencer were supposed to be together—and she'd gone and ruined it all.
Her phone buzzed. She let it. Just for a minute—just a minute—she wanted to sit here. Just for a moment. That was all she needed.
