Fame | A Tomdaya Romance

Chapter 17

Now

I kind of did forget about it all, this absolute insanity that comes with fame. Well for a week, I kind of did. I've just made my way through the airport to the tune of what felt like a hundred photographers shouting and flashing at me, and I'll be honest after an 11 hour flight it isn't exactly what I wanted.

Add in the fans, which usually I try and be nice to - but now running after me trying to get me to stop for selfies when I'm trying to make my way to the van that is housing one of my brothers and Tessa my dog.

The calm of it all feels long gone.

Once we're off though, it's nice catching up with Paddy and seeing Tessa has instantly raised my mood, she's slothered me with so many kisses and is sitting proudly on my lap.

"I'm surprised we could get you to come back at all" Pads says after we've had a light catch up, "honestly Bro you've been so busy". I feel instantly guilty, "I'm sorry, for what it's worth - the way I've been the past few months - I was, struggling and I didn't really talk to anyone about it. But I shouldn't have taken it out on the people I needed the most, so sorry"

He pats me on the back, "We just wanted to help, but we knew that you needed to get through it your own way. I'm glad that we have you back though - in both senses".

"Reckon Haz will be as understanding?" I ask, Paddy and him are fairly good mates too, I wonder whether they've spoken about it. He nods, "Just apologise, buy him a dinner and a drink and he'll be fine - I think you wounded his pride more than anything else".

Paddy is honest, to that I am glad, he will never not tell me how it is, and I need someone like that in my life. "Noted, thanks Bro".

"Mum told me that Zendaya's coming" he starts, I can tell he's broaching the subject slightly more casually than he probably wanted to. I nod, distracted by Tessa pawing me to keep stroking her, "Yeah, for a few days" I reply. "That's cool, I'm - um - glad that you are her - you know" he adds, so my family have all got a talent for not quite being able to talk about this stuff, good to know.

I throw him a smile, to be honest with you - Z and I haven't even defined us yet. I didn't really think we had to, it feels so big now that we've completely let one another in - theres no way that she isn't my girlfriend. But now I'm away from her, I wished I have said something - casually referenced to her as my girlfriend to test the waters. Or maybe just told her I love her. I'll have to try and take her on a secret romantic date when she's here - figure out if I have the balls to do it.

I've only been at home for four hours before I escape to my old bedroom for a bit of solace. It's so intense, because I'm almost never here - that I feel like we're cramming so much conversation into such a short period of time. And I know that I'm meant to be putting in the work to apologise for the way that I've been, and I feel like they all see that I'm back to myself - and hopefully that I regret the way I was.

But jesus, it's a lot. My cousins and aunt and uncles are on their way over for a family dinner and my Mum couldn't be more happy about it all. I on the other hand, I'm wishing I was two days behind lying in bed with Z exploring her body - it's only 8am on the west coast - and so naturally I feel exhausted, but at least she'll be up soon.

The therapists I met at the beginning of all of this told me one thing - don't wish it all away. And I totally understand that concept now - totally understand how easy it is to wish your way through the times in your life that you look back to and wish that you could relive again. And not just with Z, although many of the times are with her - but even with my brothers, my parents - big moments on set that I just totally skipped through. If this next movie is my last of the spidermen - then I need to figure out how to hold onto those moments when I'm in them.