Kalon

Chapter 42

“Why not?”

“Because I’m at fault, too. More than you.” Sana sighs and leans her head back.

“But I want to.” Y/n insists. “I hurt you. And I’m really sorry for that.”

Sana finally looks at her again, blinking at Y/n almost a little sleepily. “Can’t we skip this whole discussion and just say… just say we’ll both move on?”

“…Move on?”

Sana swallows. “I’ve been thinking a lot in the past few weeks. Maybe we just… I don’t know, forced things? Like maybe we just weren’t supposed to work out. That’s how I feel about everything that’s happened between us.”

Oh.

And here it is.

Y/n has imagined this conversation going a lot different ways. She’s been dreading this one the most.

She feels her heart slowly crawl down her chest to go hide somewhere in the safety of her stomach. “So you…” Y/n’s voice breaks and it makes Sana’s head snap up, a strange look in her brown eyes. “I mean, you don’t want to… anymore…”

“I think we should be friends, is what I’m trying to say.” Sana says, averting her eyes. “I like you, Y/n, and I don’t want to lose you. But I don’t think I want to go through so much… stress again. It was really exhausting, this whole thing between us, and I just don’t think I’m ready to try that again.”

Sana looks at her, her eyes too intense and Y/n feels like Sana threw a bucket of ice cold water over her head.

Y/n was prepared— she thought she was. But fuck, she wasn’t prepared after all. Not at all.

Sana doesn’t want her anymore. Friends. She wants to be friends.

No holding hands, no gentle kisses, no loving looks—

Y/n feels like she might be sick.

“Staying friends seems like the best option to me. I’m sure you agree with me on that, yeah?” Sana asks when Y/n remains silent.

Y/n forces herself to meet her eyes again, feeling proud when she manages to give Sana a smile.

But I love you.

The thought comes out of nowhere, catches Y/n completely by surprise and has her flinching.

She’s in love with Sana.

It only took her half a year to realize, and now it’s obviously too late.

“If that’s what you want.” Y/n says, just like she did when Sana broke up with her back then.

Something crosses Sana’s eyes, something that looks a lot like disappointment. She nods her head and looks away and Y/n lets her face fall for a second now that Sana isn’t looking.

“I’m still… I’m still sorry.” She says. She came here to apologize, no matter the outcome. “I just want you to know that you never did anything wrong, or gave me a reason not to trust you. You were… you were really understanding and patient. Not many people would’ve stuck around but you did. So. Just… I’m sorry. And thank you, I guess.”

Sana gives her a faint smile. “I’m sorry, too, Y/n.”

And somehow it feels like Sana isn’t apologizing for the time they were together, but rather for her actions tonight.

You idiot. I love you. Stupid idiot, Y/n thinks as she meets Sana’s eyes and everything kind of hurts and everything went to shit, once again, and Y/n doesn’t even know why she keeps acting so surprised.

“Girls!” Sana’s mom sticks her head out of the door to the garden, waving at them. “Can you help me carry some things outside? Dinner will be ready soon.”

They get up from the garden swing and Y/n feels a little lost. She hasn’t felt this bad in a while, and she knows Dr. Kang will be scolding her, Lisa even more, but this would’ve happened sooner or later, so maybe they’ll go easy on her. She doesn’t even want to go to those therapy sessions anymore.

Maybe she was lying to herself. Maybe she did just go because she wanted to get better for Sana.

That’s how pathetic Y/n is.

“I should go. It’s, uh, a bit of a drive back home.” Y/n clears her throat, watching Sana’s eyes soften a bit for some reason.

“You drove all the way here—“ Sana starts before she stops herself. “You should have dinner with us before you leave.”

“I don’t…” Want to. It kind of hurts my heart to look at you. “I should go.” Y/n repeats.

“No.” Sana says. “You can’t leave with an empty stomach. Come on.”

-

Sana is in the garden while Y/n helps her mom in the kitchen. She tries to keep a smile on her face because Sana’s mom is so incredibly kind, practically emanating happiness and positivity. She asks Y/n the usual questions, her major, about siblings, her parents’ occupation, and then she asks about random things, like her favorite books and movies and Sana’s sister immediately perks up when Y/n mentions that she likes Harry Potter.

“Me too!” She exclaims from where she’s busy folding up the napkins. “Which one’s your favorite?” She asks. Her attitude from when she opened the door is suddenly gone and she looks a lot more like a normal twelve year old girl.

“Oh, uhm. Is it weird if I say I can’t really decide?” Y/n asks, expecting the girl to judge her for giving such a lame answer but she shrugs her shoulders.

“No, I understand, it’s a tough decision to make.” She smiles at her and Y/n smiles back. “You have nice hair.”

Y/n gapes at her for a second, Sana’s mother laughing in the background. “Thanks. You do too—“ She stops herself, horrified at her words. She doesn’t have hair. “I mean… I’m sorry, I think it’s really cool. I don’t see many girls walking around like that.”

She shrugs her shoulders. “They always say girls are prettier when they have long hair. Or that short hair isn’t feminine. That’s why girls are self conscious without their hair. And there’s nothing to hide your face behind, you know? I didn’t like that. I have a pretty face.”

“Yeah, you do.” Y/n chuckles, a little taken aback by her confidence, but it’s refreshing and rather cute. She finds it a little hard to believe that she’s only twelve years old.

She smiles again. “So why are you friends with my sister? Her friends are usually really lame but you seem fine to me.”

Before Y/n can answer though Sana walks back inside. “Stop calling my friends lame, eleven.”

“Stop calling me that!” She shrieks when Sana leans down to press a kiss on her head.

“Sana, stop it.” Her mother presses another bowl of something into her arms. “And stop leaving your friend alone. It’s rude.”

Sana’s smile falters a little, her eyes nervous as she glances at Y/n. “Do you want to help me set up the table?”

Y/n doesn’t. She doesn’t want to be alone with Sana for a long time, but she needs to act like an adult, needs to handle rejection like any other person would. There’s no sense in sulking now. If Sana wants to be friends, then Y/n will be a good friend to her.

She figures she owes Sana as much.

“Sorry about Minah.” Sana mumbles while she hands Y/n a few plates from the other side of the table. “She tends to talk people’s ears off with her worldviews.”

“It’s fine.” Y/n shrugs. “She seems different than most kids her age.”

“She once snuck out to join a woman’s march.”

“Oh but… that’s good, right?”

“She was eight.”

“Wow.” Y/n chuckles, watching how Sana laughs happily. It makes her forget about their whole situation, seeing Sana happy.

If Sana can be happy with them being friends, then surely Y/n can, too.

Right?
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