Shades of Kagan

Chapter 9

"I'm fine. I don't think I need it," I said, pointing at the patches for body pain in the aisle in front of us.

"And you just said that you're hungry. You need to eat." Kagan stared at me briefly and then chuckled as if I had said something funny.

"I can wait and..." He trailed off before stopping and getting some patches, waving them a little at my face.

"...you should come first. Do you want to wake up tomorrow feeling your legs sore?" Kagan said, grimacing a little as if he remembered something that made his legs sore too. Hindi na ako nakaangal at sumunod na lamang sa kanya.

Ngayon nasa harap na kami ng mga pagkain at maraming pagpipilian. But my gaze locked on a red cup of instant noodles. I gulped unknowingly, and it seemed Kagan saw me because I heard him make a noise as if he thought of something brilliant.

"A hot bowl of instant noodles is perfect tonight. You got tastes." He teasingly said to me as he got two bowls of instant noodles and went ahead to the cashier. Unconsciously, I cracked a little smile. What? How did I have a good taste just because of my choice of instant noodles? I laughed at the thought, and before I knew it, I was already walking toward him with a smile on my lips. Kung alam niya lang na puro instant noodles ang bumuhay sa akin sa matagal kong pagtitigil dito.

This version of Kagan is a little funny. He's already making me comfortable. This day is eventful! Ano pa ba ang dadagdag? I just met Kagan, danced with him at his friends' house, and now we're eating at a convenience store at midnight.

"That was cool," napakunot ang noo ko dahil bigla na lang itong nagsalita sa tabi ko. Sinimulan ko na rin kainin ang instant noodles na nasa harapan ko. One taste of the broth made me realize that I'm famished. Ikaw ba naman ang tumkabo na parang doon na lang nakadepende ang buhay mo. Nakakaramdam na rin ako ng kirot sa aking tuhod pero hinayaan ko lang ang sakit. I focused my attention to the instant noodles that I'm eating.

Ngayon na lang din yata ako kumilos nang ganito. Hindi ko na maalala ang huling pagtakbo ko. Somehow, I felt free. My feet moved on their own and running with Kagan is liberating.

"What is?" Tanong ko at sumilay sa kanya ng kaunti. Nakita ko kung paano tumaas ang gilid ng kanyang labi na parang natatawa sa sarili niyang iniisip.

"You helping me out there. You just literally throw yourself at that guy." He said, his voice is a little throaty and deep. I tried not to roll my eyes. Gusto ko sana sabihin sa kanya na hindi lang ito ang una namin pagkikita nung lalaki na iyon. I met that guy in the parking lot with Klaude. He mistook Klaude as Kagan. Ngunit baka mapahaba pa ang usapan kaya hindi na lang ako nagsalita.

The Grimaldi has this effect on me, as if they can easily enter the wall I made for the past four years. I have to guard myself. What I am doing right now is not enough.

"But don't do it impulsively. You could have hurt yourself even more." Ramdam ko ang pagtingin niya sa akin samantalang nakatingin lang ako sa repleksiyon ko sa ramen broth. Bigla akong napatahimik.

"My body just moves on its own," I said and continued eating even though my stomach couldn't digest what I was eating. I have a demon inside me who always acts impulsively. And because of this impulsiveness, Emma was not here anymore. Thinking about Emma made me throw up. If I wasn't impulsive back then, what life is she living now? I wonder.

"Is this comfortable?" I heard Kagan ask while fixing the patch on my knees. Nakatapos na kami kumain ng bigla nalang sya lumuhod sa harapan ko para i-apply ang binili n'yang patches kanina. I tried to do it myself but he insisted on doing it himself that I had to give in.

Tumango naman ako para sumang ayon sa kanyang sinabi, even though the patches feel weird, it is bearable. Hindi rin sya nahirapan ilagay ito dahil naka-dress naman ako. This makes my knees accessible.