Red-Back Spiders

Red-Back Spiders - Final

Wednesday 27 May, 2015

The early morning sun light shone through the window. I sat up. As I made my bed quietly, I looked across to my little girl, sleeping soundly. A small smile came to me. Already I was behind schedule. Another hastily prepared breakfast. I couldn't cook what we had yesterday again; he doesn't like it when we have the same meals within a day, I thought.

I was almost finished with breakfast when Lilly walked into the kitchen. Her eyes found me near the stove, and a grin pulled her lips up. I smiled back.
"Hello Mummy," she said.
"Hello sweet heart. How was your sleep?" I replied.
"It was okay," she answered. She moved to set the table.
"Thank you very much Lilly for setting the table for me," I said, "You did a great job."
She nodded again. I started to turn back to breakfast when Lilly asked, "Mummy why do you have something on your face?"
I frowned, "What do you mean?"
She pointed to her right eye before saying, "Why is your eye blue?"
My hands shook slightly as I reached for my right eye, touching it gently before pain spread across my face. Only then did I realise what she was talking about- my bruise.
"Oh, silly mummy hit her head last night after you went to sleep on the wall. Silly mummy needs to look where she's going," I explained. Her eyebrows pulled together. I must have forgotten to put makeup on before in my rush to get breakfast ready, I thought. I placed breakfast on the table.
"I'll be right back," I said to Lilly. I entered our room and headed towards my makeup. I could now see what my daughter saw before, the dark blue patch which covered the portion of my face around my right eye. I sighed as I put it on. I heard an audible sigh and movement from outside. I ran to the kitchen, hoping he hadn't come inside yet and seen that I wasn't there to greet him, he hates it when I'm late.

I stood behind Lilly's chair as John walked in, giving him a smile. He grunted in response, my smile faltering as he sat down at the head of the table, before it returned at the sight of my son, Billy, and lastly when Danny walked through the door. I took my seat next to Lilly and Danny's eyebrows pulled together, as if asking why I wasn't sitting next to my husband, but why would I want to sit next to him? I cleared my throat and advised that breakfast was served. John reached out, dishing up his own breakfast. With a jerk of his head as a nod, he allowed us to eat.
"Do you want some of my grub?" Danny inquired. I tore my gaze away from Danny to look at my husband who was laughing.
"Don't be so foolish, if you give her anymore food she'll just keep getting fatter and fatter!" John proclaimed.
He's right, I thought, if I eat too much then I'll be fat! The silence lasted for a while, everybody ate their breakfast.
"Mummy I'm full," Lilly whispered. I opened my mouth to answer her when John's palm slammed on the table, creating a loud 'bang'. I held my daughter's hand, knowing what was about to happen, and knowing I couldn't stop it otherwise he would turn to me.
"You eat all of your breakfast, Lilly," John said.
"But I'm full, dad," she insisted. Before I could even blink, he had rose from his seat and slapped Lilly's face, making her head jerk to the side and creating a sickening 'bang'.
"I work so hard to provide for this family, that you don't even know. I have to do all the hard, unwanted jobs around this property and you all just take it for granted!" He roared. There was a moment of silence.
"And I'm sick of it!" John continued, slamming his palm on the table again for emphasis. Lilly got up from her chair, her eyes dark with misery and headed towards our bedroom, while John shut the back door with a 'bang'.
I rose quickly from my chair, looking at Danny while I replied, "No, please-it's not his fault..."

I closed the door to the bedroom quietly. I sat down on the edge of Lilly's bed.
"It's alright now sweetheart, I've got you," I cooed to her.
"Why didn't you stop him Mummy?" She asked. I looked down in shame, not knowing how to tell my daughter I was too afraid of her father, of his cruelness, to stand up for her and take the beating. It was normally me who would cop the beatings, even if his rage was directed at one of our children, he would always beat me.

"Come on sweetheart, we have chores to do," I said, interrupting the silence after a while. She got up and left the room, heading to do her chores. What kind of mother am I if I cannot even protect myself, let alone my children? I walked down the hall to the kitchen. Lilly had already finished her chores when I walked into the kitchen, and was now nowhere in sight. I started my own chores.

As I did my chores I thought about John. He wasn't always that way- mean, cruel, uncaring- he was a nice, happy and charming young man when I first meet him, and things were good for a while after we got married, until Billy came along, that is. John changed as soon as Billy was born, he became moody, grumpy most of the time, but mostly it seemed like he was uninterested in being a father. I assume it had something to do with his father. Then Lilly came along and he got worse, he became violent and it was directed at me. But now he was getting worse, the worst he had ever been. I knew he was weighted down by the fact that money was tight and there was little rainfall out here in Outback Australia, but that doesn't excuse his actions. We are all out here, we are all suffering. I didn't know what to do. Last night he was angry, dinner had gone cold before he had even come inside, so his hand became a fist and connected with my eye before I had even realised what was happening. I am afraid of my abusive husband but I don't want to leave him as there will always be hope in my heart that he will change, but as the days go on, my hope is fading.

Just as Lilly and I had finished preparing sandwiches for lunch, John, Billy and Danny walked through the door.
"I'm hungry," John said flatly. I quickly gave him his lunch. He started eating while I dished up everyone else's before I sat down. I glanced over at Lilly's plate and saw that she hadn't finished her sandwich and wasn't even attempting to start the second half of the meal. With John seeing this too, I saw him moving to stand up, most likely to repeat what had happened earlier today but this time; I wasn't going to stand for it. As he rose in his chair, I straightened out of mine. If he thought he could just hit our daughter and get away with it again, he's wrong. I'm not letting this go on.
"What are you doing?" He asked angrily.
"I'm defending my children," I said back icily.
"You pathetic excuse of a mother. Look at you, you're fat and ugly and weak," He said before leaving.
"Well at least I don't abuse my wife and children," I whispered after he had gone. How do I even put up with him anymore? My faith in him had disappeared in the space of an hour. Why should I stay here anymore, I can take care of myself and my family, I do not need him anymore, I thought to myself as I looked into the faces of my two children.