College years

Let me move on

Magnus tried to concentrate on his studies, after all it was exactly what he had always wanted to do, but it had a bitter aftertaste.

Something he didn't really want to admit to himself.

Again and again he asked himself why he had just left, why he had not tried to talk to Alec.

Oh Alec... Alexander... Magnus missed him, his best friend and with it everything that could have become of the two of them.

Memories of him and Alec, of their time together, of the tentative kiss that changed everything, of the prom and the tears, the pain he had felt, all played over and over again in his mind's eye.

These thoughts almost drove him crazy, and he was often tempted to call his friends in New York, Alec in particular, but fortunately he had quickly made friends at Stanford, so he always let it go and went on dates with his new friends instead.

And then, of course, there was Tessa, one of his best friends from childhood, with whom he had regular contact again. However, he had always managed to steer clear of the subject of "New York".

What gave Magnus a headache, however, was the absence of his father. Never in his life had he expected that his father would not try to contact him again, to reprimand him, to ask him how dare he just disappear.

But he hadn't heard from his father or the others since Jonathan's birthday. He also didn't know whether Camille had actually started her studies at Stanford and, if he was honest, it was just as well that he hadn't run into her yet.

He continuously tried to convince himself that it was better not to hear from his father, but the more time passed, the more restless he felt.

There was something frightening about the silence around his father and Magnus didn't even want to think about what exactly that meant.

➹

Dot and Ragnor were both very good at recognising when Magnus was lost in his thoughts and on the one hand he was grateful to his new friends for bringing him back to the here and now, but on the other hand he longed to be able to lose himself in his thoughts.

In his mind he was in Alec's arms, not that it had ever actually happened, but Magnus had hoped for it, longed for it even, but he had ruined the possibility for himself. He could imagine how it would feel to be loved by Alexander, to call him his boyfriend, nothing was impossible when he lost himself in his fantasies.

Of course he was aware that these fantasies would never become reality, it was too late for that, but who would it hurt if he dreamt of Alec now and then, except himself?

In the middle of the night, in his dreams, he knew he would be with Alec and allowed to be with him in every possible way.

And when he lay alone in his bed at night, his thoughts kept drifting back to the past.

Starting with their first meeting, to the life-changing evening of their prom.

Magnus could still kick himself for accepting the crown of prom king and going on stage with Camille. He should have known better, should have prevented it. He will never be able to forget the look in Alec's eyes as he watched Camille kiss Magnus.

In the same breath, however, he had to ask himself why he had not immediately pushed Camille away and run after Alec.

The answer to that worried him immensely, because when he had finally admitted to himself that he had enjoyed Camille's advances and even the kiss, had literally soaked up the attention she had given him, it scared him.

Was he really so dependent on the attention of others that he would sacrifice his chance for something real?

He wanted from the bottom of his heart that the answer to this question would be an unequivocal 'no', but he was not so sure.