Book, Blossom And Fate: The Book of Destinesia [ON-GOING]

Unang Pahina: Ang Paghihirap

Adora's POV

Another day..

Day and day passes by for people, doing something that is more likely called, 'living'. It looks fun, living..

Doing the things you love, doing your everyday chores, interacting and laughing, going to school everyday and works until our asses became exhausted at the end of the day. All of that with the people you adore, love and look up to.

I looked at the window beside my bed. I can see people within my reach. Everyone is in a good mood while they cross the street. Wala mang nakalitaw na mga ngiti ang iba sa mga labi nila, you can see the gratefulness of being alive and living in their existence.

Ang saya siguro mabuhay ng normal lang. It may be weird for a person to say that her wish is to just live her life. For the greatest reveal, i am that person. Masaya na ako na mabuhay lang, yung humihinga lang masaya na ako. No tanks to help me breath, just a normal life.

No big wishes, gusto ko lang na mabuhay na parang isang normal na tao. We all have our own life, ganon din naman ako. Ang iba lang sa atin ay ayaw ng nahihirapan pero hindi ako.

Gusto kong magtrabaho nang magtrabaho, magaral at tambakan ng mga schoolworks and papers, utusan nang utusan ng mga gawain sa bahay.

Ang sarap siguro sa pakiramdam ng pagkatiwalaan ng isang gawain at hayaang gumawa ng isang bagay ng magisa dahil alam nilang magagawa mo.

Hindi ko man lang naranasan na utusan, gumawa ng mga schoolworks ng hindi hinahandugan ng tulong. Lahat gagawin mo ng magisa dahil alam nilang kaya mo.

I never had a chance to dream, to create a future for myself because i know---that i do not have a future. My time, my life stops after the moment i get to experience stress. Either emotional or physical stress can make my situation fatal.

I have a heart disease. It is more likely genetic. Namana ko ito from my mother. They said that my heart can be cured after months of treatment pero hindi ako naniniwala. My mom, a sudden cardiac arrest from having a extreme emotion is the cause of her death.

Yeah. The disease also takes place if we feel too much. Too much joy, can also be fatal for us. Ibig sabihin lang nun ay wala kaming choice but to feel light for everyone and everything.

Wag magdamdam, wag damdamin masyado. Ika nga ni daddy.

'But how can i make it more easier for myself when i am clearly born empathetic?'

Naniniwala ako na sinasabi nila na gagaling ako after two months to relieve me from stress, yet all i know, laging kumikirot ang puso ko whenever i feel too much. Hindi na talaga ito maaalis. Hindi ko masabi that there's no point, giving me words of encouragement, doesn't make me feel less weak.

Nagooverthink lang ako lalo because the fact that this disease is the major cause of my mother's death. I can't help but to let the negativities sit comfortably in my head.

It has been a month since i was rushed here to the hospital. It has always been the same thereafter.  Hindi nila ako pinapabayaan, kapag may umaalis, may pumapalit na babantay.

I developed a major depressive disorder after my mother died. After the event, i was diagnosed with a heart disease which was identical with my mother's. Hindi pa ako nakakamove-on from her death, i have to force myself to be as positive as possible.

Being positive is not my forte. Naniniwala ako na the more i become negative, the more positive the outcome will be. Negativity makes me more hardworking, it made me more dauntless.

Not that i don't want to but i can't force myself to be positive, especially this time. Mas nahihirapan lang ako dahil pinipilit ko ang sarili ko.

'I can't even recognize myself! I mean---do i even know who i am?'