By My Side

Chapter 23 - Ahsoka

And it was just... that. It's how he grew up. He doesn't understand.

He can never understand Ahsoka for that reason, and it drives him crazy sometimes, but he can't change it.

"Death is a part of war," he says finally, trying to find a way of calming her, "As Jedi, we must learn to accept it." The look on her face cuts him to the core, but he has no idea what else to tell her. Obi-Wan hadn't known what to say, either, when Anakin first killed someone. It was instinctive, to protect his master, but he hadn't been able to forget it. He never has.

They were alive, then they were just dead, and sometimes, he wonders how much blood is on his hands, and if anything he does will ever be enough to wash it off. He wonders the same every time he remembers his mother's death.

Will anything ever be enough?

"Everything in our lives is about helping others," he continues, desperately hoping that this isn't the wrong thing to say. It probably is, though he doesn't know what else to do. He wishes Obi-Wan didn't always drag him into this when he could do so much better himself. "Even at the cost of our consciences, our lives, and everything we care about."

"It just feels like we should be helping people, not killing them."

"We are," he replies soothingly, "Sometimes, we must do things we do not want to. It's about putting ourselves aside to do what's expected of us. Even if we question our orders."

Anakin has always been one to listen to orders without questions. Ahsoka was never like that. If she was told to do something she didn't like or didn't want to, she'd protest first, then yell and scream and put her foot down with an absolute 'no'. It had driven Anakin crazy, because it was something the Council told him to get out of her, but how could he do that? How could he be expected to rip out one of the things that make his child herself? Like she's no more than a droid, to be ripped apart and put back together?

He doesn't want to do this to her, but what other choice does he have?

"If we don't defend ourselves, we will not be here to continue helping."

"I just can't get it out of my head," she says almost helplessly.

Anakin squeezes her shoulder. "I know." He nearly winces when it reminds him of when she left him. "Sometimes all we can do is our best."

He doesn't know what more to say. Ahsoka doesn't, either. He can almost hear the unspoken question – is there something wrong with me, I'm a Jedi, why am I so upset – but she doesn't voice it. They all know better, because that would mean accepting they're not the Jedi that the Council requires them to be, which is a shortcoming, and...

And yes. Anakin is quite accustomed to that fear.

***

Violence is one thing Ahsoka has not been able to fully accept, no matter how long she's been out here on the battlefield. She still can't shake the images of what happened from her mind, though she's seen many of her friends die before. It's...

It's just difficult. It's always easier when Anakin is here. He's not right now, though. She's working with Master Kenobi much of the time, and she doesn't like it nearly as much. The 212th seems far more reserved and distant than the 501st is, and that makes her lonely. More than that, her and Master Kenobi just don't see eye-to-eye in many things, and he doesn't listen to her. It's maddening.

He has this way of making her feel like she can't breathe or move or anything, because he's so close, and he'll always get angry if she's... anything, really. It makes her feel stupid and useless.