A Court of Death || ACOTAR

84

Astryn did not sleep that night. She did not speak during the second day of the High Lords meeting, though, with her prior permission, Rhys did inform the others about the King's intrusion. She could feel Helion's stare, faintly hear his voice in her mind as he projected his thoughts to her. She did not answer any of his silent questions, and his stare became more worried.

She did not speak when Nesta seized and then vomited as she felt something so terribly wrong. She did not speak when everything shook around them and not only Azriel, but Helion too, moved to throw themselves over her to shield her from the falling rubble. It was over as quickly as it started.

Azriel gave Helion a look that let him know if he didn't put some distance between himself and Astryn quickly, there would be a problem. It was not a look resulting from jealousy as it certainly would have been four centuries ago. Instead, it was a look resulting from the knowledge that the King of Hybern, or at least a vision of him, had been in her bedroom last night promising to violate her all over again, in worse ways than he had done in the decades he had her before. It was a look that came because he knew she might not be comfortable being touched right now—she hadn't wanted to be touched when he saw her in the morning before the meeting.

She did not join the group on their trip to the human lands. Much to Rhys and Azriel's unspoken discontent, she stayed with Cassian and the battle ready Illyrians. Cassian was the only one in the whole group who didn't believe she was a witch.

"Cursing our weapons, witch?" one of the warrior males she recognized from the battle at Adriata sneered at her as she went to help move the stockpile of weapons. Cassian opened his mouth to admonish the male, but Astryn spoke first, the first time she had opened her mouth in hours.

"You saw what I did to Hybern's soldiers," she pointed out, "if it had been a male doing that, you might call him a god." Cassian's lips twitched up into a smile.

"You think yourself to be a god?" the male scoffed, glaring at her.

"Like she said," Cassian cut in, "you saw what she did to Hybern's soldiers."

The male watched her for a few seconds, like he was trying to figure out whether or not he truly was standing in the presence of a god, and she smiled.

"You could simply refer to me as Fae, or by my name," she reminded him, "or you could refrain from referring to me at all."

Cassian grinned at her, and she only shrugged as the male walked away from the interaction.

"I was surprised when you decided to stay here instead of going with everyone to the human lands," Cassian brought up hesitantly.

"There was no point in me going to the human lands," she responded, "I couldn't convince Elain's...ex-fiancé to take in and protect anyone. Here, at least I can be useful."

"And you'll get a shot at making a point to the King if there's a surprise attack," he brought up, and, once again, she only shrugged. "This won't end well if it's just about revenge."

"It's not about revenge at all," she snapped, her tone shocking them both, "I don't care about revenge. I'm not planning to give him a slow death. I'm not trying to make him hurt. I don't even want to give him a painful end. I just need him to be dead. It will be fast and as painless as I can make it but he needs to be dead."

Cassian opened his mouth and then closed it again, trying and failing to find the right words.

"I don't care about revenge," she repeated, "I just want to feel safe again."

"Ryn," he murmured before letting out a sigh. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...I'm sorry." With anyone else, he would be surprised that it wasn't about revenge. Azriel had told him about what happened with the male who had tortured her in Hybern, how she killed him before he had a chance to torture him. Azriel and Rhys had both been planning to enact some vengeance. She hadn't allowed it.

"I don't want to make him hurt," she told him, "it wouldn't matter if I made his death painful. It doesn't take any of it away. And I'm not capable of making him hurt how he made me hurt. I don't...I just don't have it in myself. I can't do that."

"I know," he conceded, "I know that's not you."

"But you think he deserves to be hurt. A slow death. You think he deserves to suffer."

Cassian let out a long breath before he said, "I do. But it's not about me or what I think should or shouldn't happen. If you don't want revenge, if you don't want him to suffer, then he won't. This is yours."

"I don't ever want to...I don't want to let him make me into anything that I'm not. I already—I hadn't ever wanted to kill anyone before him. I won't let him make me want to torture, to cause pain. I won't let him change me that much," she said firmly, and Cassian wondered if there had been any moment she had wanted to cause the King pain, and if she let that go in an effort to not let him win.

"I understand," he assured her, "and I'm on your side. Always."

She only nodded.

"I wanted to..." he trailed off before letting out a sigh. "You know Nesta didn't mean it the way it sounded when she made that monster charmer comment, right? She didn't mean to imply..."

"I know," Astryn responded, "and you don't have to speak on her behalf to me. If she has anything to say, she can say it."

"She's never admit it, Astryn, but Nesta does need a friend."

Astryn gave a hum of acknowledgement rather than reminding Cassian that she had tried to be friend and Nesta lashed out at her for it.