A Court of Death || ACOTAR

18

Astryn had been back at the townhouse for a week now. Nothing was quite normal. It felt like everything was hanging on by a thread, and part of her knew it felt that way because it was that way. And everyone knew it. She hadn't fully forgiven anyone, and one more misstep was all it would take for her to leave. And if she left again, she would not be returning.

Cassian was the best at feigning a sense of normalcy with Astryn. They had their morning training sessions together, they ate breakfast together. It was a pleasant routine even if there was a cloud over it now, an air of distrust that would take time and proof to fix.

Mor and Amren both kept their distance from Astryn. Mor because she still wasn't entirely convinced of Astryn's self control. Amren because she knew this wouldn't last. She knew someone would mess up again and they would do it soon, so she decided to take the safest route and distance herself from the impending doom. Rhys kept his distance too, mostly because he couldn't look at his sister and not think about how she had felt like his prisoner. It was cowardly and he knew it, but he couldn't face her.

Azriel was complicated. He was tiptoeing around the mess they had found themselves in, pretending that if he just did better now then past mistakes could be forgotten. Astryn wasn't looking to forget though. Forgiveness was possible, but she would not forget. And she didn't want their relationship to become something so cautious, where they felt the need to step around any issues rather than face them. Hadn't they done enough of that? Hadn't that been what broke them to begin with?

She could feel everything slipping as the days went by. Something would break. She knew something would break and then everything would shatter. She tried not to fall too deeply into that fear, not to let it become some self-fulfilling prophecy, but she could see it in Azriel. Things were okay right now because it was quiet, because she hadn't gone off to see Death and because she hadn't had much of a reason to go out and wander Velaris on her own. Some part of her knew she was avoiding doing those things because she wasn't ready to face Azriel's reaction. And that in itself was part of the problem. She knew it was unhealthy and wrong. She shouldn't limit herself for anyone else's sake.

Still, though, she found herself treading carefully, being cautious about things that should have been easy.

After two weeks went by, she finally decided to test things out, to see if the old boundaries had truly been done away with. She told the shadows to stay away and left the townhouse on her own. There was some vague awareness in the back of her mind about what Azriel had said—that people here were scared of her. It didn't seem that way. Maybe they were just good at hiding it, or maybe they had stopped being scared of her already.

She wandered around a few art galleries before going to Rita's for a drink, faltering slightly when she saw a familiar face. She hadn't seen Mikael since the time she almost had sex with him, which she now realized was an entirely awkward encounter. He noticed her and offered a nervous smile, eyes darting around like he wasn't entirely sure the torture master wouldn't pop up somewhere to enact some punishment for what almost happened. Azriel was nowhere to be seen, so Mikael relaxed slightly.

Astryn wasn't sure why she felt the need to approach him and apologize for the mess that their interaction had been.

"I hope your mate isn't lurking around some corner waiting to rip my head off," Mikael half joked as Astryn settled in on the bar stool next to his. It was the only one open anyway.

"He'd hardly get the chance to if he was," Astryn dismissed easily, "I wanted to...I'm sorry for that whole mess back then. It was rather embarrassing."

"If not for the fact that I nearly pissed myself when you said the torture master is your mate, I do think it would be one of my favorite memories," he said with a grin, "I think it was embarrassing for both of us, but it is funny to look back on, isn't it?"

"Cassian and I have laughed about it a few times," she admitted with a bright smile. "He's the only person I've told, by the way, so you needn't worry about Azriel."

"Is there a reason?" Mikael asked, head cocked as he looked at her. "That you didn't tell your mate, I mean. Because of how confused you were about why I was alarmed, I assume it wasn't for my sake."

Astryn only shrugged, because she didn't really have an answer. The memories of going home that night were a wreck. She hadn't even considered telling Azriel that she had been around another male. He had been close enough to an edge she feared already.

"It's all the same to me, I suppose," Mikael tried to laugh it off, "as long as all my body parts remain together, I care little about the reason."

"He wouldn't have...he wouldn't have harmed you," she murmured, but she found herself wondering if Azriel might have harmed Death if he was capable of it. Azriel had his reputation for a reason, didn't he? She couldn't push aside the thought. "It was nice seeing you, I hope you've been well."

She left quickly after that, her excursion soured by worries and what-ifs. It was hard not to fixate on those things. There were enough real problems already. Why make up scenarios in her head to stress over? She knew it was only so hard to disregard because she was so certain it could have been true if Azriel had had a way to get to Death.

She suddenly found herself grateful for having a realm between her mate and her friend.