A Court of Death || ACOTAR

50

Astryn missed Cassian's company, but she also enjoyed the solitude of her daily tasks. Some part of healing became easier when she was alone. Cassian was good and he has helped her, she knew that, but she had spent almost five decades with a male looming over her almost constantly, and always for terrible reasons. Being alone helped relax some part of her that was on edge around him, around any male for the time being.

She preferred being alone for now.

Besides, she didn't get much time to wander the forest when Cassian was around. He was convinced this place was more dangerous than it was. She was near the Weaver's cottage when she heard a shriek from the Weaver herself, and then spotted someone escaping the cottage.

She locked eyes with the High Fae female covered in filth, and the female seemed utterly shocked to see her. As if she knew her. Or at least knew of her.

Astryn gave a nod of acknowledgment. Apparently the female took that as an invitation. She was nearing Astryn quickly, eyes alight with curiosity.

"Stealing from the Weaver is unwise," Astryn said in place of a greeting.

"A fool's errand," the female agreed, "one I won't be doing again."

Astryn watched her for a moment, trying to delve behind the grime she was caked in. The realization settled heavy in her heart.

"I imagine Rhys is waiting for you," she concluded, and the female sucked in a sharp breath and looked like someone who had been caught in a lie. "And I imagine he told you not to get anywhere near me."

"You look more like him than I expected," she told her, "they said you're half siblings, but you look like you could be twins."

"I wonder which version of himself he shows you," she mused, "I resemble some of his masks more than others."

"You tried to save him," the female muttered, and Astryn smiled.

"A word of advice about my brother," she began, "he is a good male for only so long as it suits him to be good. He'll switch to another mask when it becomes more convenient, and he'll feel guilty for it later, but he'll still do it. Either keep yourself close enough to be part of his inner circle, or far enough away that you don't become collateral damage. Or worse, a threat to his family and their shining city."

Astryn straightened up her posture as Rhys winnowed in, a few feet behind the female.

"Feyre," Rhys said carefully, his eyes not leaving Astryn. "We should go."

Astryn's eyes darted from Rhys to Feyre, some understanding dawning on her. And, despite all that might remain forever unresolved with Azriel, she felt a new wave of resentment towards Rhys for the part he had played in their downfall. He hadn't wanted her with Azriel to begin with, and then he was the one to suggest lying to her. Azriel was at fault for agreeing to it, but the idea had been Rhys's. And now Rhys got to have a mate. He got to have what she lost, what he had helped break. He got to have a mate, and she didn't anymore.

"Rhysand," Astryn was surprised at how steady her voice was. Rhys's eyes flicked to her and there was a flash of vulnerability, guilt, and pain. It vanished quickly. "I will never forgive you." Not now that he had found his mate. It hurt too much.

"I know," he said, and he did not try to apologize. "And I know I don't deserve it." She knew what he meant. Not just that he didn't deserve her forgiveness, but that he didn't deserve a mate bond.

"It was lovely meeting you, Feyre," Astryn told her kindly, "say hello to Cassian for me. Tell him I'm doing well."

"Are you?" the question burst of Rhys before he could stop it. "Doing well, I mean. Are you doing well?"

"Solitude is good for the soul," she said, and he took the hint.

She felt hollow as she watched him and Feyre vanish. His mate. The bond wasn't set yet, but he had a mate. He had a bond ready to be forged. He had what she would never have again. Even after she left Azriel all those years ago, the bond had been a muted sort of comfort. A tether in a world where she had nothing and no one for far too long. And now it was gone. But Rhys got to have one. Rhys got to have a mate and a bond and he got to have his happy little family.

And he could bury her lack of forgiveness so easily, file it away in his mind and cover it up with all his masks. There was no punishment in depriving him of forgiveness. He was just fine without it. Without her.

So, he would remain that way for the rest of his life. Without her forgiveness and without her. And, she promised herself, she would never again risk her life trying to save his. She would never again endure any suffering for his sake. He had not earned that from her.