The A Side ✔

16- Six Years Past

The last time that you heard my voice in this book was in December 2016. I cannot even begin to put into words just how draining and adventurous the last six years have been. You all read about my academic hopes, my plans for developing new story ideas and using Wattpad's platform more to reach out to readers and explore new ideas, the number of times that I would try to control my fears and anxious heart-pounding moments where I thought that all four walls were going to cave in.

Oh, reader, I failed. I failed spectacularly with the dreams and ambitions I had. The studious passionate nerd turned into dust and crumbled to the ground like ashes from a scalded fireplace. It was tough. I had it all and then I lost it all. Close friends, relationship dramas, lack of sleep, and a huge majority of my sanity. Those moments I have already put to paper in two of my memoir works on Penana titled 'The Depression Diaries' which currently stands at over 10,000 reads and its follow-up 'Life In A New Light' with just under 7,000 reads. In both of those projects, it is a lot deeper, darker, and raw as its main factor. I've covered up a lot of my hidden feelings for this work as the readership here is typically a lot younger than on Penana.

I don't plan to post either of those things here to Wattpad for various reasons but I don't regret writing them. I had tried to seek therapy on multiple occasions for just about everything that went down over time, yet as I have mentioned previously here, I just didn't respond to it. CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy was something I tried during the various Covid lockdowns but my feelings actually grew worse. There was a reason behind this though.

I've spoken to others in regard to CBT and they agree that those with autism just don't get along with it. It can actually cause more conflicting and deeper thoughts which results in an increased risk of both information and sensory overload. When I started writing 'The A Side' I had not been diagnosed with autism. Now that I have and looking back on this CBT moment with disgust, it's something I'm not a huge fan of whatsoever. I still continue to self-manage everything when it comes to my anxiety.

My crying spells have slowed and stopped more over time. I would be lying if I said that the last time I cried was two days ago as I predicted that yet another close relationship with someone was breaking down. Still trying to open up to someone physically about all of the traumas and horrors that you've been through is very difficult for me. The longer I was falling asleep at 8 pm night and not wanting to be around anyone, the worse I started to feel. When close ones in your circle instead of being concerned suddenly turned to a level of pure annoyance and said that you are not a caring person anymore was hard to take.

Last year, I struggled with some mystery health issues that nearly caused my carefully constructed world to crumble away once again. I still struggle with my left leg and foot now but refuse to see a doctor about it. In my mind, I'm wasting their time and my own time if I get these tests done and they come back all clear for everything possible. Breaking down in A+E last year was the worst and matters weren't helped by an incredibly drunk couple who were swearing off, giggling loudly, and making all of us waiting feel uncomfortable.

Right now as I type this, the levels of pressure right now are insane. If you make any sort of mistake, you will be held accountable for it no matter how much you say how sorry you are. Over time, I have tried many careers with no luck until last year, I secured some work that is book related. I love this career field but on the kind of contract that I am on, you can have work cut off in an instant. I am always too scared to say no to anything. I did the other day but there was still some persistence which I was distraught by.

People of my age group on TikTok are right when they say it's our generation that realizes that there is more to life than just working a day job. There are old hobbies that I was sort of forced to stop due to my anxieties but have now started to enjoy again. Collecting music again for my iPod, watching films all day, taking street photography, etc.

As I said in 2016, I hoped for better days and now in 2023, I still feel the same. I wish better days come soon before I end up swallowed up by the fractious chaos of the world around me.