𝐎𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭

Mr Wrong

It's been a few days since I stopped all commutation with Mr Wrong, and, though my heart feels a bit better it still stings when my brain brings back all the memories, allowing me to produce yet again another love poem...

I'm not keen on taking things to help relieve and ease my pain, but this disconnection has sort of been like medication to my wounds that were once healed and torn open again by our recent reconnecting.

At one point I would have sworn this love was destined. Allowing you to see the real me, teary eyed and angry. I felt as if it was ok to continue talking to you, even if I was the one causing the rain from deep feelings of extreme pain I was also standing it all in the same as I lived in a lie, saying, I didn't mind us not dating.

It's my mind that won't let you go completely. Flooding me with wishful thinking and clouded dreams, not knowing what all of this means, it's just so crazy that one person can do so many hurtful things to someone they claim to feel love for so deeply.

I'm not only speaking about the things he'd done to me.. but what about the other females in between and you may say, how can she worry about someone else while I was being hurt, it's because I knew our connection was wrong, and it brought upon strong conviction due to knowing other females were already present when I stepped into the dark of heart, a cold and lonely prison cell.

He'd dish out text messages to keep me attached then mute his cell, and return to the woman who gave herself, laying beside him, thinking he's doing his best for the both of their well being.

To some my story with him may be a mystery but to most of who know, they've dreaded me with strong feelings of misery due to their inability to feel for me after I went back to him continuously.

I used to be one to judge, saying, "why won't she just leave him alone" and "no feelings can ever be that strong" but oh was I wrong.

As I pointed at her, I had the earn my own trust back. From falling into a love that set me so far back in time due to his manipulation and lies, I was once again a little girl, trying not to cry and do whatever to make sure nobody was mad at me, deflecting my emotions to secure my comfort in somebody who was clearly hurting me, but, isn't that how it's supposed to be?

Not technically.

I've been taught to forgive but never forget, which lead me to believe that once I forgave him, he was allowed re-entry to my heart even though I knew, this wasn't right from the start, I felt a strong need to continue on that hurtful awakening journey.

Is it crazy to say right now in this moment that I miss him? The way he admired me may have been sexually but at least he was looking... right? At least he seen me in some kind of light instead of pushing me to a dark place as he used to, not physically but mentally, due to all the ignoring and belittling he'd done to me.

Why am I attached to someone who wants nothing from me but my body? That's definitely not healthy.

He can talk a good game, and he actually made me feel seen but just like most other men, he's a five star actor, only revising the lines to a scene he's been in countless of times, unlike me, a rookie to this whole thing, he sure did play me.

You forgive and you forget.

That doesn't mean you forgive them and allow them back in, no that means you forgive them and release those feelings from deep within, erase those messages and delete that number, it's been almost three years of this reoccurring pain, and I refuse to continue reaching back into history to pull him closer to me. Though I won't be bringing him out of hibernation I'll be waking up from my slumber and walking into a new season alone, letting go of bad relations will free and slightly pain your soul.