𝐎𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭

Her Heart Returns.

Sometimes I want to run from the world.

The sun chasing my shadow trying to catch up with me, snatching me up as I take a second to breathe and giving my brown skin the sweet stinging kiss of heat.

Oh to live a life full of purity, people say it's nothing but a dream.

As if I'm a kid, I think the world is a "fantasy". Totally unicorns and rainbows and sweet things for my emotionally unstable feelings.

I'm dreading the day I turn eighteen because then the reality of being grown is no longer a movie scene played in my mind with the white picket fence and perfect family, it'll start with College & the boys from the fraternity.

Lord please protect my sweet girl sanity.

I've yet to see some of the strange things in the world but that doesn't mean that my lessons turned to blessings were easy to deal.

Take a second and actually be for real, everyone has a story to tell.

I run. I run from everything until it's directly in front of me, cornering me like a mouse caught in a trap trying to get cheese.

Desperately wiggling to be free while still trying to take something to carry. I want mental freedom without having to speak on the things that drive me crazy.

I tend to try and be there for everyone else while the things I need somehow get buried under a pile of petty excuses and feelings of nothingness.

I ran from my gift, downplaying it as if it's some kind of joke, when I came to realize that I'm so good it may keep me from being broke.

Though this really has nothing to do with money, this is how I express myself and keep myself from going insane. A lot happened in the time I stopped writing. I felt stronger and deeper feelings of negativity than I'd ever experienced before and it was definitely scary.

Everything was pint up inside and I was indulging in things that were not of me. Thankfully, God saved me.

Either through someone or from his company when i'd reached a new low, his love allowed me to take every blow.

I've always struggled with believing that someone could truly love me outside of family.

Though I've never had an issue giving my love and accepting when it was abused and ignored, threatened and silenced. Even going as far to giving it again to someone who loosely handled it in the past, for some reason trying to make it now last.

Yes you can laugh.. but that's just me. I still have a lot of lessons to learn. I know deep down that i am something that needs to be earned, I am special and gold but some things are just really hard to let go.

Sometimes I wonder how can God use me. Just a seventeen year old girl from a small city. My story holds little factors of heartbreak and mommy and daddy issues.

It's hard for me to feel for myself. I'm always worried about if what I say will bring someone I love pain.

I never want to downplay my family as if they're anything less than caring but they have brought me some hard dealings in growing.

Either from being sheltered and put in extreme amounts of protection or the testing of my wills and emotional standings.

God has given me many blessings.

One is my ability to get up as if last night my life wasn't on its last string. I'm gonna buy myself a promise ring. To never ever threaten me and my physical being.. again.

Some things are too dark for mommy and daddy's ears. I'd hate to have to see the tears roll down their cheeks as they did mine when I was hit with the reality of my mentality.

I'm a hustler, a go getter and hard worker while also a child whose crying because she's in a place she doesn't want to be and a teenager struggling to figure out her true identity.

For my skin to glow under the moons light, my closely cropped hair to blow in the breeze as I sit in the passenger seat, feeling intently and deeply as I think about the person beside me.

He is no longer apart of me and from the many things I learned from him, his entirety has left my heart yearning.

I've never heard of a person being fifty percent of the world and fifty percent of God. Maybe that was my sign to run before my mind was filled with your charismatic fog.

Before my knees weakened and my strength was at full capacity to decipher the lies in your words. When I looked into your eyes, instead of clearing my mind, chaos irrupted within me, releasing a swarm of butterflies.

I still get nervous when I see you, my heart drops and my feet defy me, taking me until I'm as close as I could be.

The care for you within me starts to then blossom again up until you start spewing out lies and my mind deadpans.

Im not a perfect girl, I can be impulsive and annoying but I promise that I'm the most caring and loving person you'll ever meet.

This world is not ready for me and the things that I bring.

Give me a seat at the table and you just might flip it after hearing my dreams and the things that are important to me, you're mind will drastically change. The way you see things will no longer be the same.

With the strength to bare more compassion, care, control, freedom, and the ability to not tear at the slightest bit of criticism, or crumble in the hands of someone less than, she can continue to share the beauty of her lyricism.

The meeting of pain, sorrow, depression, isolation, self disrespect, aggression, and, irritation has been adjourned, allowing her heart to return.

- On January 29, 2023 I returned to something that's stolen my heart the most in life, the way I can put words into something so beautiful. After a lot of pain and still not knowing what the future will bring with a lot more holy faith, my heart has returned to it's home. thanks for being so patient everyone,
im back,
Donna