Nonhlanhla - Fortunate

Five

Present day

I'm back at the police station, sitting inside an interrogation room, again and my mind is racing. I can't believe this, I just ... I cannot believe this.

Time finally seems to be slowing down, but it's too late. The damage has been done. I've been holding it together for my son, telling myself that after today my husband will come home and everything will go back to normal... or at least what I thought was normal...but now

I lean into the table with my hand over my eyes. My head is throbbing and my forehead feels hot. I blink back the tears that threaten to come out of my eyes...this isn't how my life is supposed to go, this isn't fair... I take a deep breathe in an out.

What am I going to do now?

Khanya has slept in tears every night this weekend and I don't know how to console him. I honestly thought that today would be the last night my baby would have to cry himself to sleep...

I put a hand over my mouth, as if it could stop the sound of me choking on my tears from escaping.

My poor baby, he doesn't know any better and it's not his fault. He has never gone to sleep without his father holding him, and now he is inconsolable before bed and even whimpers in his sleep.

I breath out loud in an effort to calm myself, but I cannot stop my head from shaking in disbelief - how? why?

What now?

I know I shouldn't take his incessant crying personally, but it's starting to make me feel like a bad mother. Like, what kind of mother doesn't know how to put her baby to sleep at night and I'm pretty sure the neighbours think I'm a bad mom with how loudly he cries into the late hours of the night but I have tried everything I can think of, nothing works.

Its as if my baby knows what time his father is supposed to come home and he doesn't understand why his Baba isn't with him. I don't know what Warren does with him every night because it's their bonding time, it's our routine...was our routine.

I wipe a stray tear that finds its way down my face, I have to hold it together, I can't fall apart before I see him...the more I try to think, the more memories come rushing back ...

Every night I would wash the dishes from our evening meal and clean up the kitchen, while Warren bathes Khanya and puts him to bed.

Every night I'd hear my baby giggling followed by splashes of water on the bathroom floor, which I would no doubt have to wipe afterwards, but I didn't mind... My baby was happy.

Now, I feel like I don't even know my own son, it's a struggle to bathe him and put him to sleep. All he screams for is his father and now, his father isn't coming home..

One hour ago..

I should have known something was wrong as soon as I saw Hleli enter the Court room without her gown on. As soon as she sat down,  I asked her about it and she just shrugged and said Warren got new legal representation. How could he even talk to someone and get another Attorney, I couldn't talk to him all weekend, I've been sick with worry.

I look around the Court room and notice that it is packed with people, all the benches are filled and the only way to tell the difference between the Attorneys and regular people is that the Attorneys are wearing their black gowns. It's useless to try and figure out who his new Attorney might be.

I'd been there since 9am and the court has been hearing bail applications for a seemingly endless list of people. Their crimes ranging from theft and fraud to assault and robbery. By around 11:45, I was still inside and they had yet to call for Warren's matter and I felt grateful that I decided to take Khanya to daycare for the day, it started to feel like I might be there for the entire day.