Finding Mr. Knight (DDLB) | ✔️

5.

Please don't cry. Please don't cry.

"Noah, please." But I ignored him. I quickened my pace and turned down an aisle. Once I felt I was safe, a sob fell from my lips. A pain so deep in my chest that it physically made my heart ache. I thought seeing him again would feel different, but it's just reminding me of what I can't have and what I could have had if he actually liked me.

Maybe I wouldn't have had to spend that full year alone when he left, or maybe I wouldn't have been in that crappy relationship with Adam. Everything could have been different but he left me. He didn't even care enough about me to say he didn't want to be together.

He might have even been with someone else and they didn't want him and now he's just trying to settle for me? Who knows, because I sure as heck don't. I think the truth will hurt too much which is probably why I took it upon me to run away from him.

"Um excuse me?"

I looked up to see a woman standing behind me with an awkward grin.

"I uh, just need to grab these. . ." She reached around me and grabbed a box of tampons.

My eyes went wide.

Oh my god, please kill me now.

"I'm so sorry!" I squeaked out and ran away.

Out of all the places in this store, why did that have to be where I ended up?!

I set my basket down and ran into the washroom, locking myself in the empty stall. I felt out of breath, my body was shaking, I was coughing. There was way too much going on. I should have had someone else go to the store for me, or maybe I should have waited for Chris and not gone alone.

I let myself have a good cry for a few minutes until I felt myself relax a little bit, then washed my hands and picked up my basket that was still thankfully where I left it. I think I'd give up with shopping if someone took it. Or maybe have a mental breakdown.

A second mental breakdown. I just had my first of the day. It's safe to say i'm an emotional wreck today.

I'm sick and I keep running into the love of my life who doesn't feel the same way, so it's well justified. Those are the only two things I ever let myself cry about now and when they happen at the same time? It's like an overload of emotions!

I went through the self checkout so I didn't have any more human interactions and scanned everything as fast as I could.

I didn't even think of trying to get an Uber to pick me up and I really didn't want to wait so I sucked it up and began walking. It's going to take at least an hour and a half to get back, but I didn't want to stand like an idiot for twenty minutes while I waited for a ride.

This is why I can't do things on my own, I just don't think of them. Of course people have it harder then me, but people don't realize the internal struggle I have with myself on a daily basis. I can never decide anything and it's extremely frustrating. Of course I wish I could be normal, but that's not in the books for me. I've tried.

All I want. . . Scratch that. All I need is for someone to take care of me, but that doesn't feel like it's in the books for me. There aren't many people around that would be willing to dedicate that much of their life and time to another person.

I always try to think about why I am the way I am, but I can never come to a conclusion. I feel like something is wrong with me, but at the same time I don't. I don't feel as though I need help mentally from a psychiatrist or psychologist or whatever, I just want someone to love me for who I am. I know I shouldn't need a man to make me happy, but I just feel like that is physically what I need.