Chapter 31

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*A/N: So here is the next chapter! I can't believe it close to the end I didn't even realise it till I looked at the story plan! So there is going to be a chapter after this and then an epilogue. A big thank you for all your comments, votes, support and a special thank you to HeroinBubbleGum who sent me an amazing message that inspired me to write and update a day early and for ending in a chapter cover which says 'vous ne devez pas les yeux de l'amour,ma Cherie' which is said to translate to 'you don't need eyes to love, darling' which I love as it sort of links to the "it doesn't exist if I can't see you" sort of think that is sort of a theme coming up in the next chapter.. So thank you once again, please enjoy the chapter, comment, vote and share! Love- MFK xx

Chapter 31

We lay on the floor by the door, just together, pressed to each other because that's all we needed. I traced his tattoos with my cold fingertips, enjoying seeing the ink stretched out on the porcelain skin in a tumble of twirls and swirls.
I had never thought I deserved this, being here with him and being happy; having my sight back even if I could feel myself fading away bit by bit. But from everything, from the distance between love and life, the things I have learnt are not from what I believe I deserve but what I believe I don't deserve. In the life you don't think you deserve, you are challenged. You have a passion or a talent or a skill that you are proud of and you are encouraged to practice it. You don't have to treat your greatest strength as a dirty little secret to stay hidden from the rest of the world. You love what you love with enthusiasm and abandon. In the life you don't think you deserve, you are admired for the things that you are ashamed of in the life that you actually have.
In the life you don't think you deserve, you are loved. You're with someone who cherishes you for all the reasons that you cherish yourself and you don't have to offer compensation. Your body is not a bargaining tool and indifference is not your asset. You are free to give love and to receive it in the life that you do not deserve because you are a person who's worth loving. Worth fighting for. Worth taking the time to get to know without expectation or demand. You are the simplest, purest version of yourself and in the life that you think you don't deserve, that is already enough for you.
In the life you don't think you deserve, you are compensated. Your contributions are appreciated and acknowledged. You do not work for less than you are worth and you do not give out more than you could reasonably expect back. In the life that you do not think you can have, you aren't afraid to ask for more than what you're currently receiving. Because you are worth more and it should be simple as that.
In the life you don't think you deserve, you belong somewhere. It's not that the Universe carved out a spot specifically for you, rather that you decided to fill up the spaces you have already been offered. You walk into rooms knowing you deserve to be there. You approach people expecting that they will want to interact with you. You find pockets of the Universe where you belong simply because you decided that you belonged there and that was enough. Enough to fit in and be accepted somewhere.
In the life you don't think you deserve, you deserve it all - every challenge, every acknowledgement and every piece of love and acceptance you are given. You don't have to run away from what you fear to be too great, too fantastic, too complete for you to have and hold onto. You are worthy of those big things. You are entitled to believe that you deserve them. In the life that you believe you don't deserve, you have everything you could have in this life - if only you'd decide you were worth it.
I feel Frank shift in my arms as I meet his eyes, I know everything is different now. I know that I can't just as easily fall in love like I did the first time, that in losing him I will have to gain back everything we lost with it. "Why did you leave?" I ask kissing the top of his head, it's more to myself but when I see him sigh and move away from my lap I am consumed by the nerves that rise from the pit in my stomach.

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