BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

63

Tonight, there's only space for one thing.

When will Pansy show her face?

I search the hall's sides, but soon I realise there's nothing, no Pansy, to find.

There's Daphne. She's still reading, looks peacefully concentrated, relaxed.

And there's Theo. He's not doing anything at all. His eyes catch mine as I look at him. His sad eyes, his hurt eyes. I should have told him about my decision, should've told him it wouldn't be him.

It would never be him.

Then again, he probably already knew. Knew it weeks ago, knew it in his bones.

My hand's tight grip on Draco's shoulder tightens even more - fingernails digging into his suit jacket.

"Are you alright?" His gaze is examining, wary.

"Yes," my answer is, of course.

Then my eyes fall on Pansy.

She just arrived; stands at the door in her black dress; alone.

What now?

This is the moment, this is the time.

Unreal and blurry, my gaze roams the crowd, from Pansy to Draco and back. Focuses on his lips and her eyes. Where is she looking? Not over here. What if she won't see me?

What if nothing will work?

"Y/n," Draco calls through the cotton in my ears, "are you really alright?"

"Yes, yes," I mumble, "kiss me."

His eyes are sceptical, he probably can hear my booming heartbeat pounding in my throat, choking me, probably see my ghostly face. Still, he lets me lean into him, places his hand on the back of my head, pulls me in closer with the one on my waist and kisses me.

Kisses me like it means something. Lets me feel his passion, his love, alongside the cruelty of it all. The cruelty of mine.

When we break apart, I'm dizzy from excitement. Tension? Anticipation?

I rip my eyes away from him, insulting him with my ignorance.

Pansy, where's Pansy? There's Pansy.

Standing at the door, motionless.

My eyes meet hers, hers that have been on me before gazes hit.

She saw, she must have.

She looks like she did. Not shocked, not sad, but angry, spark-spraying-mad.

That's it. That's it?

Was this revenge?

Dread creeps up my spine, cold and certain.

That was it.

And it was not enough.

Not even close. Not at all.

Where's my relief, where is my victory?

The victory that was supposed to put things right, supposed to make us even.

Was I that wrong?

How could I misjudge this entirely for all this fucking time?

Why is my heart still broken, torn? Still heavy as a hundred stones, heavy with all she put me through.

This was supposed to be justice.

I never knew justice could ever feel this disappointing.

Crushed, I look away, escape her death glare, her sight.

There's only Draco now, again.

Draco's worry-drenched expression, confused eyes.

His lips move, forming words I cannot hear, words I do not care about.

It's not only Draco now.

It's only her.

She's only a glance away, a look over his shoulder.

Dancing round and round. Alive and well. Content.

And after all this time, it's her, still only her I want.

The most beautiful girl in the world.

That, for a while, was all mine.

For a little passed, yes, long since passed while.

But how could that ever change my love for her?

For my Astoria.

Oh, my Astoria.