OUR STORY (Zak Bagans fan fiction)

Part 47 - Confessionals

"I can assure you that you no longer know me, hell , i dont even recognise myself anymore. But i wont quit, i know that this is just a rough patch , ill get through it " he said and i could clearly tell that he was trying to convince none other than himself. Again. He sounded tired of everything.

"I know it might sound self centred  but... i am here to talk if you want to get tome things out of your system, any time." I said. I knew Zak wasnt one to talk things out but i had to atleast try and offer. After all he did announce that i dont know him anymore so maybe this new Zak likes to talk, who knows.

"If a waterslide you go on causes you to get a concussion, would you go back down that slide again to fix that concussion ?"  He said with a petty smirk. This was meant to offend me.

"Wow, i knew it, i am a waterslide.  " i laughed and turned away from looking at Zak.

"But you get my point?" He asked in a serious voice.

"Loud and clear. But really, you can come to me and we can talk, as friends you know." I said trying to offer my help once again.

"Thanks but i m sure you know that it wouldnt be the best idea.  " he spat back. Was i making him angry?

"Zak could we atleast try? To be friends .  I hate this awkvardness and tension and all the other shit between us right now, its not really a healthy work enviroment for you and me. We have 12 whole months of working together ahead of us."

Here is where Zak startes to raise his voice , getting angry -"Thats reasonable but i- i still cant look at you without feeling angry or sad or screwed over.  How is it fair that you get to leave , dissapeear without a trace , leave me in peaces, get better , come back and expect me to sit here and talk to you pretending like you didnt break me. Tell me, am i being unreasonable ?"

As he finished his rant , we heard footsteps approaching us , Jay appeared from the dark.

" Guys its 5 am, cant really sleep with all this going on " Jay said in a very tired voice.

" Sorry " me and Zak said at the same time. Jay rolled his eyes and went back to his bunk.

I started to get up -" He is right, lets talk tomorrow"

" No , you know what ,i am sick of these coversations being cut short " He said and got up aswell. He pulled me by my arm and pulled me outside, all the way behind the gas station. We now stood face to face.

" So ,say what you were going to say" he now said in a normal toned voice since we were far away from the camper van to not disturb anyones night.

"Why do you keep lying? I know you found me in less than a week, so you have had plenty of time to heal and deal with it all. And we both know that if i had not gone to rehab i would have straight up killed myself! Zak you either need to let it all go or let me go. Go as in leave the show! " i exclaimed out of frusteration.

"Okay , yes, yes found you in less than a week but to me you were still missing, you were unreachable and i did not even know whether to believe that you were there, i almost lost it June, i almost lost it because of you." He said and pushed me against the wall. I was cornered now, there was no way out of talking now. I pushed his chest so he would step back and let me continue talking. Not that i hated him beimg close to me, this was just bad timing.

"Zak, I understand your side , i do, but i will say it again -you either need to let it all go or let me go. Because if you cant let it go , we cant work together . We cant continue this if every conversation that we have escalates into an argument about who's fault it was. "

"Okay,fine, have it your way , but if you believe for a second that we could ever be friends after all that has happened, then you have been brainwashed " he said and took another step back as if he was going to leave. I turned him back around like he had done to me earlier. Not leaving this unfinished now.

"Is that what you think happens at rehab? People go in and cry about their boyfriends and get them erased from their minds hypnosis style? Zak i never forgot about you, never wanted to forget about you and never will! What i did though is i learned how to take care of myself and make better decitions, so now i am confident when i say that being friends would benefit the  both of us! " i said. He laughed sarcasticly and took a few steps closer, he was so close to me that i could now almost feel his pulse jumping.

"Okay  but what if i dont want to be friends?  it would benefit our work but do you realise that it means hurting all over again, its easier to be mad at you than to- " he spoke but i cut him off. I took a deep breath and continued in a more calm tone. I was tired of arguing.

"Zak , stop. i cant do this if you brought me back just to be angry at me all the time. Why should i put up with it? Just because you think i deserve it?  "  as i said it ,he noticed my desperation, he toned it down too.

" Cant you just apologise to me? Why do you feel like being away erased the damage you did"

" i explained this already and i did say i m sorry, what do you really want?" I asked.

"Do you mean it? Are you really sorry?" He said.

I looked him in the eyes - "I am...you know i still vividly remember the night i left. I remember sleeping next to you and just feeling so depressed, anxious, suicidal and on top of that horrible for making you unhappy. I just knew that if i had any courage left in my bones i had to go and go right now, otherwhise id never do it. You know i was actually hoping for 2 months of inpatient and then id return to you, id get you back and make you finally happy... but those 2 months turned into 3 years as i realised how much work i need to do with myself. Leaving you there was probably the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.....but still, i dont regret it, but i am sorry Zak." I said, i was being sencere and could only hope that he understood that.

"I just dont understand why you would break up with me, why not tell me everything and send me a letter once a month, keep me updated and sane "

"And make you wait 3 years for a girl that might not return the same as you had her? That would have been torture, admit it, this was better for you.  All i could have been to you was a pen pal. "

"June 1 letter could have saved me so much hurt and desperation. And i would have waited, all 3 years, only if i had known that you would come back to me and that we still had a chance... I am happy to know that you are better though . Maybe i can think about this 'friends' thing but- " he said but i cut him off again.

"Sleep on it and we can talk about it another time, but lets agree to stop making it hard for eachother when it already is " i said

"Deal" he said and motioned for me to head back to the camper and so we slowly did. I reached over for the door handle but Zak pulled me back and i landed in his embrace. My head against his chest as he was holding me tight and resting his chin on my head. I could hear his heart racing, his body warmth radiating and the smell of his skin and lotion. I missed this so much and so did he, he was inhaling my hair , i could sense it. The feelings we both had were still very real and this was just another refreshment of  memories. He let go and we just kind of stared at eachother. There were no words to describe how much i wanted to touch his face, feel his skin and his lips on mine. Feel his exhale on my face as our bodies and skin collide. I may have day dreamt too far but so did he. I broke the eye connection and realised that it really was time to get some sleep but then Zak's phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and scrunched up his eyebrows in concern.
" is everything okay?" I asked him . He said nothing but turned the screen around to show that....i was calling him?
" Well this cant be right, must be some type of glitch " He said as he was about to decline .
" Wait, pick it up and put it on speaker" i said. He frowned but dis as i said
"Hello" -he asked .
No response just some  light white noise. He asked again and then finally we heard an answer in a disfigured voice -
" Denn die Toten Reiten Schnell"
Me and Zak locked eyes in disbelief.
" Zak my phone is still somewhere in the hospital" i said.
" Holy shit" he exlaimed
" We need to wake the guys!" He said distressed and quickly made his way over to our annoyed collegues that had not gotten good sleep because of us... i guess this will be a no sleep night and morning...