All I want...

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It's been 5 years.

5 long years of unrequited love with a man who you have no doubt loves you, but as a friend, an acquittance, a sister...but never more than that. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, for most a day filled with joy, love and PDA's of the most grotesque fashion but for you it's just a reminder of what you don't have, and never will.

*Text Alert*

Chris: Hey stranger...

Y/n: I could say that to you, I'm not the one who's been MIA for the past few weeks.

Chris: Someone woke up crabby!

Y/n: What do you want Chris?

Chris: Just checking in on you...I miss you.

In just one message he can pierce your icy exterior and make you melt, it's not fair.

Y/n: I miss you to, I thought something was wrong when you ghosted.

Chris: Wanna hang tonight?

Y/n: Your place or mine?

Chris: Yours, I'll bring the pizza and beer.

Y/n: you've got yourself a deal Mr Evans, see you at 7

Later that day...

He'll be here soon you think, frantically checking yourself in the mirror for the fourteenth time. What if he thinks I like him, I mean I do but he doesn't need to know that. What if he thinks I've gained weight since I last saw him, or if I... but a loud knock interrupts your intrusive thoughts.

I open the door to be greeted with a typical Evans bear hug before he plops me down and we go get settled on the couch. The pizza was eaten and the beers drunk, and although it's nice to have him around, something feels off. I switch the TV off midway through The Office "hey, I was watching that".

"Come on Chris, what's going on?" I ask knowing he's hiding something. "Nothing is going on Y/n, why would you think that?" "Ohh I don't know, maybe it's just that every time you've opened your mouth, you start to say something and stop!" I'm frustrated now, I don't like this feeling.

"Nothing is wrong y/n, I promise. Have I ever lied to you?" he says staring in my eyes, the eyes I could get lost in. "No" I whisper feeling guilty I've read too much into the way he's acting, but it's like word vomit I can't stop before blurting out "you wouldn't hide anything thing, or keep something from me right?" Now I know you're thinking "how ironic seeing as you are keeping your undying love for this man a secret" but hey that's me and my demons to deal with.

Chris sighs "I...I wouldn't do anything to hurt you or hide something, I pinky swear". I nod agreeing to let it go, even if my gut says I'm right. The rest of the evening is spent in each others company before Chris heads home. With my brain in overdrive it'll be a miracle if I don't end up with a migraine tomorrow, but he maybe that can be my Valentine!

The next morning...Valentine's Day

I wake up feeling surprisingly good, the sun is shining even if the weather is chilly and I decide to keep the mood up and send Chris a quick text.

Y/n: Happy Valentine's Day you big dork, sorry I was acting weird yesterday, I know you'd never hide something from me <3

The day goes by uneventful but busy, heading home and preparing dinner I suddenly realise in my manic state that I've not heard from Chris...weird...even weirder it shows read, but I push it to the back of my mind until it comes and smacks me in the face.

I open Instagram to find a highlight reel of Chris and a woman who I recognise from Netflix, all loved up. Now the ghosting makes sense.

I didn't think I could feel pain like this, like I've had the wind knocked out of me, like I can't breathe and I'm doing everything in my power to stay standing. I run to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face and that's when reality starts to sink in, I made my stomach flip all on my own, any hope of us was now gone and today just confirmed two things I just wasn't good enough and Chris didn't trust me.

I grab a bottle of vodka out of the freezer and do the only thing I can think of, drink myself into oblivion and blast All I Want by Olivia Rodrigo...before I know it I'm sat on the floor quietly singing along...

"All I want is love that lasts,"
"Is all I want too much to ask?"
"Is it something wrong with me?"
"All I want is a good guy"
"Are my expectations far too high?"
"Try my best but what can I say"
"All I have is myself at the end of the day"
"But shouldn't that be enough for me?"

I don't know how long I'm sat on the floor shivering before I'm pulled out of my numb state hearing the door, not bothering to check before opening I find Scott standing there. He doesn't say anything...he doesn't need to...and finally it all comes out and I break down sobbing in his arms.

"All I have is myself at the end of the day,"
"And all I want is for that to be okay."

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