'°☆ lupin comfort fic •°

☆.'°• V ; i think it's finally time •°'.☆

"here we go, i hope you like them.", he said as he put down a huge stack of pancakes on the table between us, "eat as many as you want. oh and here's a little chocolate too, you know i swear by it."
"thanks, remus.", i said and cut my pancake into little pieces and slowly ate them one by one. i occasionally nibbled on the piece of dark chocolate.
"i didn't know you were such a good cook."
"i am?"
i nodded and continued eating; i even managed a second one. lupin wasn't upset i didn't eat any more, in fact he was never upset with me. he usually thanked me a lot for trying the best that i could. we spent most of our time that day on the sofa next to eachother, both of us reading, absorbed in our own worlds. i appreciated his presence regardless, it was enough to keep the wolves away. the silence was broken only occasionally by either of us turning a page. i finally finished lupin's book, and immediately asked him for the second part.
"it was bloody great, remus, i need to know how this continues."
when i had grown tired and my eyes started to hurt from reading in the evening, i put down the book and grabbed the pillow next to me. i hugged it tightly and threw back my head to stare at the ceiling. i felt the wolves lurking around in the back of my head despite not being alone, waiting for me to let down my guard and attack. i clamped my eyes shut, and unconciously started scratching and tearing at the skin of my right, so far unwounded arm. i was not quite there, physically yes, but in my head i was somewhere else, running away from the wolves. hence i didn't hear lupin calling my name multiple times from his desk. he came over, wrapped his arms around me, pulled the sleeve over my arm and laid his hand on top to stop me from hurting myself. i tried to pull his hand away, but he had a firm grip on my arm, i could try as much as i wanted to.
"june.", he repeated my name once again, in a calm and gentle voice, "stop it, please."
i was finally torn back into reality and apologised.
"shh. no apolgising for things like these, remember? what happened there just now?"
"i- i don't know. i'm scared, remus, why am i like this? what am i doing wrong?"
"you're not doing anything wrong, it's not your fault you feel the need to hurt yourself."
"i'm out of my own control.", i whispered, more to myself than to him.
"then let's see that we'll get you under control, shall we?"

the realisation that i had no control over myself in this aspect had affected me more than i liked to admit, because i had been quite proud of being in complete charge of my actions. i was standing a little bewildered in the middle of my room the following afternoon, torn between telling lupin i needed to hurt myself and just getting over with it and hurting myself.
'i need to tell him. i need to let him know.
i'm burdening him. i need to quit being this melodramatic and just do a few cuts. then it'll be fine.
i'll be burdening him even more if i don't say anything. i won't only hurt myself, but him too.'
the last argument won and i stormed out of the room before i could change my mind. lupin had been sitting peacefully at his desk and was now startled by me standing in the middle of the room again, eyes tightly shut and my hands held up and clenched to fists.
"remus i-", my voice failed as i was trying to find the right words, "please don't let me hurt myself."
he was by my side in the blink of an eye.
"i don't care what you have to do but please keep me safe right now."
he guided me to the table and made me sit down on a chair before he sat down beside me himself. i laid my hands flat onto the table and stared at them.
"i'm scared.", i whispered.
"you don't have to be. i'm here with you now, nothing's going to happen.", he laid his hand over mine and i looked at him.
"you're doing a great job, dear. we got this, okay?"
i gave him a short nod and returned my gaze to our hands. it was the first time i noticed his scars. i followed them with my eyes, from his hand to the little i could see of his lower arm. i wondered what they were from, though i didn't ask. once my little spell had passed, i thanked him for being there with me, but he only shook his head.
"i should be the one to thank you. you finally managed to reach out, do you know how big of a step that is? i'm proud of you.", he ruffled my hair and made quite the content impression on me. it made me happy to make him happy.

"do you want to go for a walk?", lupin asked the next day, "i figured some fresh air would be good for both of us."
it had started snowing outside and the white flakes renewed the white blanket that covered hogwarts. the snow crunched under the soles of our shoes as we walked through the hogwarts grounds. i occasionally picked up some snow and held it until it melted in my warm hands, over and over again, until my hands had no more warmth to spare and grew numb.
"you let me be quiet when i need to for long as i need to. i like that about you.", i said into the cold december air.
"i like your straightforwardness, even if it's only occasional.", he replied.

from there on, things started to move upwards. i learnt to reach out when i needed to, much to the likes of lupin. one day, he almost euphorically announced that i could stop taking my sleeping potion.
"i think it's finally time, june. and if it you should still need it, just say so."
i was happy over these news, incredibly happy. so happy, that forgot that the wolves were hungrier at night.

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wc ; 1070
a/n ; a short chapter, hope you appreciate it regardless :) more to come, hopefully!