The last strands (#Tronnor)

Chapter 20: The city of sunsets

Perhaps it's just my misery talking, but I feel like I can no longer breathe.

It's strange. It's almost like I lost the right to breathe in the first place. Every gasp of air I take in feels forbidden. Every drop of blood in my veins feels wasted. It belongs to someone else. All of me isn't really mine; it's his, and the worst part is that he doesn't want any of it.

If this is what it feels like to be in love then I don't want it either.

What is this?

This is Eden's Apple, the forbidden fruit. The fruit of knowledge my ass. It isn't that, it's the Fruit of Love. I am certain now. Man was not meant to take a bite of the fruit, for he would suffer, and suffer he has...

Oh, but how I wished to have a bite. Well, I did, and here I am. What did I get? Nothing good, for sure. Now I'm all alone in this struggle again.

And to think that I believed for a second that I had finally found something good. Something that could be kept together. How much do I love fooling myself? For how long will I keep living in fantasies and daydreams? The night of the storm meant nothing. I know that...

Even if I still don't want to believe it. Even if there's something in my gut that say's I'm wrong... but there just isn't a way. If that night had meant something real-and only if, then I wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't be escaping, running away. I would be going back. I would go back to him.

Back into the daydreams and the plains of evergreens... back into the days where I heard his voice and he loved the smell of my cologne. Back to... that happiness.

But it's gone.

I can't fix it now.

He told me himself.

He can't love me.

Then why can't I stop... feeling this way?

What's wrong with my head? Does it like when it hurts? Maybe that's it. Maybe it enjoys the pain. Maybe it's gotten so used to pain that's all it will take from anyone anymore.

Maybe I'm just bent like that.

I keep telling myself I'm broken hearted. How do I even know if it's true? What if I was mistaken? When have I ever been broken hearted before, or in such a way that I would know how this feels?

Names for feelings... yeah that's a science I do not master. Add it to the list. To my list of monsters, never ending, never seeing the light of day.

I can't just feel sorry for myself forever. There must be something I can do. Something. Anything.

I can write again. I can try to compose. I can take the piano and press the keys... something will surely come of it.

What about Kayla? What about my best friend? Should I tell her? I don't think she'd take it the right way, it's most likely she'll scold me for making such a fool out of myself... she has always worried so much for what I go through...

I would give anything to be fixed again. To be good, to be working properly.

I have to try.

I have to stop needing him.

Do not write words of love when you see his eyes.

Do not let him be all your joy.

Do not fear the way he says goodbyes.

Do not crave for his touch, for his voice...