FALLEN | rowan whitethorn x oc

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE - rowan wants to kill himself

Oh. Oh.

For the first time in his immortal life, he had a clear picture of what heaven looked like: it began with the detailed way in which the first rays of sunshine created a halo around her head, followed by the way her long hair cascaded behind her back as a few wild strands of it moulded themselves to the beauty that was her face, it went on to the glint in her eyes, and ended with the shape of Isabella's lips telling him she loved him.

His heart stopped in his chest as he gazed at her, a thrumming in his ears matching the powerful emotions threatening to wreck him.

The image took his breath away. It dulled his senses until all he could focus on was her, forgetting about wars, self-doubts, fears, and even the thoughts that told him of how he should actually be worrying about the destination of her words.

But he couldn't. All he wanted to do was kiss her and tell her how he felt for her, how his whole soul seemed to gnaw at him every time she so much as looked at him, how his heart burned whenever she smiled at something he said; he wanted to tell her about the dreams and plans he had for them, and how none of them mattered if they were not to her liking, that he would do whatever she wished for; she only needed to say it.

"The same way I love Fenrys, Lorcan and Gavriel, because I cannot lie and pretend that I haven't come to love all of you as my friends, perhaps even family, if you would have me" Isabella chuckled at that, the sound raspy and forced. Nervous. Shy. "Which makes what I did embarrassingly worse because I don't want to ruin our friendship and I would hate for there to be any misunderstandings or awkwardness" Her big eyes blinked at him, all glassy and innocent and sorry.

Rowan's head cleared as he blinked, registering her words, the real meaning behind them, and so he bit his tongue until he tasted blood and strangled his heart until it was back in the darkest of corners. Hidden. Inaccessible. Friend.

Yes, Rowan detested that word.

Also, he wanted to die.

Perhaps there was a tree around here strong enough for him to hang himself, for there was no way he could survive the pain and embarrassment he was experiencing.

"So," She tucked one strand of hair behind her ear, and he cursed at himself because his fingers itched to do just that. That should be him . But that was not what she wanted, that was clear. She had rejected him so thoroughly that he wasn't sure there was a part of him left to reject. "Yes, you deserve an apology. I'm sorry. I promise I won't do it again, I need to learn to deal with my emotions in a healthier way, and not by losing myself in tears or bodies and kisses. Don't you think so?"

He forced himself to speak. "I guess," When he realised how curt his response had been, he tried to amend it. "Although I know a lot of people who do and used to do that" Himself included.

Isabella nodded, as if she already knew it. "I know, but I need- want to get better, and so my healing journey begins with finding healthy coping mechanisms"

"That's great," It was.

"Does that mean you forgive me?" The uncertainty in her voice was genuinely painful for him to hear, did she truly not know that there was nothing she could do that he would not forgive her for? Even if she were a mass murderer or enjoyed stealing babies' candies, he would clap and cheer her on.

Rowan managed a reassuring smile to calm her nerves. "There is nothing to forgive," He murmured.

Isabella sighed as if there was a heavy weight she had rid herself off. Had the kiss been such a misery for her? While he had felt an immeasurable amount of elation, she had only felt remorse. An ugly taste settled on his mouth at the realisation that he had been nothing but a delusional male.