Bits & Spices

Assignments

Today, I think around 3 p.m, after class. I went to pick up my assignment revision.

Still got more revisions. Not done yet.
I was pretty dumb. I can't connect what she's saying at all. She painstakingly explained it to me. Even brought out several examples so I can understand. "Nevermind, just change it to x then," she said.

I've gotten her mad. Certainly.

Cause I still got 1 more assignment that I want an explanation for, I waited for her to finish her work first. While waiting, she suddenly said (not verbatim) "Sometimes you understand me, but sometimes you also look like you're zoning out. You won't understand me at all."

"I think it's because of your emotions. You can't really control it."

"Did something happen?"

When I heard that, you really can't imagine how much I just want to break down, right then and there. My eyes watering a bit.

"I don't know," I said quietly. She just accepted it, I guess.

At that point, I feel like my mind is getting more and more awry. I can't seem to clear it at all.

On the verge of breaking down, she asked me, "How many siblings do you have?"

"Four." I can't speak properly anymore by that point. It's only roughly pushed out. I'm afraid that she'll hear the quiver in my voice. So I just do my stupid act; lifting up four fingers to help convey my words, while trying to clear my throat.

I don't know if she noticed it or not.

"I got ten," she chuckled, "I'm the third one."

"You gotta learn to be strong (in the face of adversaries). I sold things since I was in 2nd grade."

It does make you feel kinda ashamed of yourself, hearing things like that. I know that I grew up pretty privileged, so I don't really taste what is it to get the real life hardships.

Yet my mind still goes on to think about how much I wanna tell her, "The third is my step-sibling."

Stupidly thinking about more things that can only make me get sadder is just useless. I can't break down here. Not here. Not now.

So I resorted to things that can cancel it out. Porn (Yes this is true lmao). When you repeat it enough times, you just lose the emotional state.

I can get pretty clear voice and mind again. Not too sad. Not sounding like I'm on the verge of crying.

I'd choose that rather than breaking down right there, I guess.

Those are the things that ran through my mind while I was waiting for her to finish her work, before finally feel her finishing to attend to me for the second time that day.

And her voice was so gentle.

I felt like her frustration from before has faded.

But I don't wanna be an entitled person, so I wouldn't want to assume that she did that cause she pity me. Cause she saw my watering eyes. Cause she saw my head and gaze who I held down most of the time. Cause she noticed my quivering voice. Maybe it's just because she finally got some part down with her work or something.

"You actually know the theories, you just can't connect it with these."

"You actually got a good personality."

"I'm sorry for the things before."

I can only dumbly sit there and only realizing that she maybe felt guilty because she was visibly frustrated before.

I can only assure her that it's okay. Feeling kinda happy because she said some positive things about me, but also ridiculing myself inside. Does she know you truly? She'll definitely get disappointed if she knew.

Welp, I'll just end this here. I felt emotional but i can't tell just anyone anyway, so I can only dump it here. In this hidden space. Far from reality that's gonna reject my emotions.

-January 26th, 2023