Fat Funny Famous

Chapter 1

"Hey!" From the other side of the stage, Anna (who insisted on being called Ahn-na ever since Frozen blew up) squawked loudly. "Ariel is not annoying! She's misunderstood!"

Anna, our leading lady, was a perfect casting for the little mermaid role: she was a seventeen year old natural redhead with the voice of an angel. And just like Ariel, she was filled with raging teen angst and entitlement. I quickly soothed her feathers (scales?) by calling out, "I know, Anna – tap into that sense of injustice when you do that scene with Triton, okay? You're such a great actress, I know you can do it."

She preened happily, drama-mode deactivated, turning to gossip with the other teenage girls playing her mermaid sisters.

I turned back to Jack. This child was talented and precocious; he couldn't be convinced with simple flattery. Instead, I said, "Hey, Jacko? Do you want to know a secret?"

"Always," he said, dark eyes alight.

Leaning in, I said quietly, "I think you might be right. Flounder might definitely be a unicorn prince in disguise."

"I knew it," he breathed.

"But, here's the thing..." I sat beside Jack on the edge of the stage, letting my legs dangle, heels gently bumping against the wood as we stared out over the empty theatre seats. "Flounder is clearly brilliant. He's smart enough to fool everyone – including Ariel – into believing that he's just a goofy guppy. He couldn't do that if he had a magical unicorn horn in the middle of his head."

"Hmm..." Jack pulled the headband off and stared at it thoughtfully. "No. He couldn't."

"Maybe his magic isn't on the outside at all." I tapped his chest gently. "Maybe it's in here. Playing that motivation is a pretty big challenge though – if it's too much for you-"

"Are you kidding? I could act that in my sleep!" Leaning forward, Jack planted the tatty unicorn headband on the top of my head.

"Can't wait to see it," I said, grinning at him. I ruffled his hair, then clambered to my feet, grunting in an exaggerated fashion to make him giggle.

"Okay, team, let's wrap up for tonight!" I raised my voice, calling the entire cast over to where Jack and I stood. "I know dress rehearsals are a bit like putting underwear on in the dark: exciting, confusing, and you never quite know how things will turn out – or if you'll fall over..."

A ripple of laughter rolled through the tired gaggle of actors and production helpers. I smiled gratefully at the group. "But I'm so proud of everyone here. Thank you for making my job as director such... an experience."

"What kind of experience?" yelled out Gabby, my pot-stirring stage manager.

"One to re-mem-ber," I sang off-key. I always found that singing something weirdly helped in awkward situations. "I love you all – now, get out of my theatre." I waved my arms at the cast and crew, as if I was trying to spook a flock of cranky geese. "Go on! Get! Go home and I'll see you back here for tech rehearsal on Thursday."

They emptied out through the wings, theatre kids chatting happily with the older volunteers, the dorks and the effortlessly cool intermingled.

A smile ghosted my lips as Gabby strode over to me on her signature high heels. She might have been in her fifties, but damn if the woman didn't have Heidi Klum-esque legs. She elbowed me. "So... When are you going to tell them?"

"Tell them about your upcoming court date for stalking Gordan Ramsey? That's really your own private business, Gabs..."

She arched an eyebrow. "Be serious. This won't stay secret forever – they're better off hearing it from you before it leaks somehow."