Mackenzie's Critique Shop

Descendant | Sarah3534

The pacing is alright for the story since I get to grasp a number of information in one chapter. I didn't find any wrong or a reason to change it personally.

However I tend to see that sometimes the transition can be hard to understand sometimes since it's too fast, so maybe adding a dialogue or an action scene would surely help rather than describing the transition.

Writing: 

I really love your word choices. However, I find that you tend to use words to explain rather than show us what Dana is experiencing. This makes it hard for me to connect to Dana since I needed to feel her and not just understand her.

This opening scene right here in Chapter 2 would've been much better if Dana was the one who experienced having a fit in the first paragraph and not Carolyn. However, I find this paragraph only acceptable if Carolyn was actually introduced in the story and not just in some of Dana's thoughts or calls.

The writing is alright in a sense. However, the 2nd and 3rd paragraph I would prefer if it was either an action (Dana goes ahead and sneezes because of the dust or gets annoyed because she needs to clean this) or Dana's stream of consciousness to define the scene so we would feel the atmosphere and scenery more.

I like the descriptions but again, this lack that sense of liveliness that I'm looking for. The only thing which connected me to Dana was the phrase, "I cleared my throat" because I can actually imagine her doing that! I don't really care about details so it's alright if you don't detail things out too much such as detailing what Dana sees; instead you could just use her thoughts to make us readers see what she sees.

Alright, but Chapter 3 HAS to be the improvement I sought for, especially the bar and office scene! I felt really connected with the characters and although there are some flaws in the first opening scenes; It still went up my expectations and I really had a good time reading.

One thing that I like to compliment is your choice of metaphors; I actually think it's really clever and creative because we got to see plentiful of emotions and descriptions in just one sentence. Just be careful in overusing metaphors because it tends to take out the focus of the scene and sometimes it's just too weirdly done to the point that it doesn't feel right to read.

I also noticed that you tend to explain and detail things out in one go; although I understand that the main purpose of this is to set up the mood and scenery, sometimes it just feels like a info dump when done improperly. Try to use dialogues with the character's persona to show us what's happening, not only will we get to experience the scenery and mood well; but we also get to "feel" and connect with our beloved characters

I also would like to comment on you switching scenes, it seems too noticeable and unclean since it just jumps from one scene to another, sometimes it confuses me to the point I had to reread too.

I like to think that your writing style is what Dana would do if she were writing a diary of herself. If this were were actually what you're going for then consider your writing as perfection!

Dialogue: 

I find that some dialogues are bizarre and just too crazy for me! Especially Paul's lines but I think that suits his playful and down to earth persona.

But aside from that I'd like to see more dialogues that can show to us readers the characters' personality.

A great example of this is Carlyle's and Paul's, I got to see their personalities first hand by how they speak and see things.

Personal enjoyment: 

I really enjoyed my time in reading this story and although it did take a while for me to finish it surely paid off since I got to see through Dana's eyes as the story revolves; it just fascinates me how you made all of these scenes and what you do to them, beautiful and creatively captivating is what I want to say!