1000𝖝 || ABOUT ME

vent/rant/thoughts

yeah it's just like the title says

a bunch of triggers - eating disorders, suicide, self harm, emotional/physical/verbal abuse.... skldjflsk don't read if uncomfortable :)

i don't get why i'm so comfortable sharing so much with people on the internet. it doesn't make sense to me. i barely share anything to anyone irl anymore. like my best friend asks how i am today- i say im fine because that's what i am. i'm fine aka dying on the inside. this week was so traumatizing. i haven't cried in four/fiveish days. i forced myself to go numb, so i didn't feel the ache and the pain of what my mom said about me and my sisters. while my sister cried afterwards, i didn't . i've only seen my sister cry five times in my entire life. she's always been so emotionless and always been the strong one. dad didn't even stop my mom this time, he was there, standing, listening. then he had to comfort my oldest sister because she was crying- except she didn't get yelled at much. she was so fake. how dare she. i didn't cry, i didn't feel anything. i still can't feel anything. it's like my coping mechanism is shutting my brain down again. i wish my best friend irl would notice something's wrong with me.

i wish my mom would just hit me, it would be so much easier to dismiss. cause bruises heal faster than words do. i can barely function in my own head, i just wish i could let it all go. i wish i could just run away from my parents and never look back. i wish people knew how i feel. last week i almost k*lled myself and i had over six horus of alone time to do so. but i didn't. i've been betrayed by the friends i've held close, irl and online. i can't handle the betrayers. sometimes i just wanna block em all but i know that's just my emotions talking. i just want to be loved by someone, to be held and tell me that i'm not okay and that i will be okay tho. i just want someone, i just want a genuine someone to actualyl care about me. i wnat someone who lives near me.

i know that i distance myself from my best friend irl, it's because ... i don't knowww i just can't handle this anymore. i wanna just die, and let everything go. i can't stand living in this body, this ruined mind of mine. i have nightmares and anxiety dreams every week. i don't just understand why people even like me here anymore, i'm so dramatic and so horribly annoying to them. i want someone to care, to finally care about me. to tell me that i should actually eat and not skip meals. to tell me that i am beauitful and that i am a nice person and that i'm not lazy.

now that i know my parents are messed up as f*** i won't be stupid as i was, and always falling for their stupidity. i don't want to be a victim, i don't even react to them anymore, i just stare at them, with no emotions.

i can't wait when i get older and finaly get to do the middle finger at this stupidity. i'm not going to be intimidated. at all. imma use this anger for my good and turn it into something else.

i will fight back, no matter what those bitches call me. even if they are my so called parents. i will fight back and someday i will have real parents who actually love me, everything they took from me... friends, life, and freedom well, imma get that twenty times more than what i should have had.

but i still...as much as i say this stupid speech to myself, i sitll wanna die lmoaaa but maybe i'll get there and see myself stronger than before....