nobody shines the way you do » l.s.

part nineteen

Somewhere on the way home, Louis started to cry. He'd never thought he'd be one of those people having a breakdown while on the train. He'd seen people cry quietly to themselves and it was always so upsetting and sad to see that. People were so heartbroken that it didn't matter if they were on public transportation or in front of people they don't know because their emotions still overpowered everything else and they broke down and cried.

Harry said Louis was in love with him.

That was just not done. He couldn't just say that to him and expect Louis to be okay with it. It was not something that you could just say and be done with. It was just not fucking done.

Once Louis got home, he walked into his empty apartment and tore his jacket off, and threw it carelessly on the ground. Zayn was staying with Perrie that night so he was all alone. Louis could call him. He could call any of his friends and they'd be there in a heartbeat, but he felt so stupid and fucked up. Louis let out a quiet sob and slid down on the floor with his back against the door, not trusting himself to even get to his room.

He needed to get rid of this sick feeling in his gut. He needed to stop thinking about Harry.

Louis couldn't even tell if he was upset or angry. There was a lump in his throat, as though it wanted to come out, but was holding itself down and suffocating him, instead.

He didn't want to cry. Why should he? He didn't love Harry. Harry was wrong. He was so fucking wrong. This was never more than a crush. In fact, that was all it ever was because Louis didn't fall in love. He didn't do shit like that because it was not something he was capable of.

God knew how long Louis sat there, playing Harry's words back over and over again in his head when he heard someone knocking on the door.

"Louis," Harry said. "You in there?"

Louis willed himself to stop crying or breathing as heavily as he was, but it only worsened when he heard Harry's voice. How concerned he sounded because that wasn't fair.

"I can hear you, you know," Harry said softly. "Please open the door." When Louis didn't respond and instead let out another choked sob, Harry tried again, this time his own voice wrecked and desperate. "Lou, please. Please open the door. Please don't cry."

His voice broke on the last sentence and a part of Louis wanted to open the door to see if he was okay because that was what he was used to. A bigger part of him didn't want to see Harry ever again. He didn't think he'd ever be able to look him in the face after this because he felt so stupid and embarrassed.

Harry just threw it in Louis' face that he thought Louis was in love with him. And he didn't even say it in a nice way. It felt so accusatory and his tone made it so obvious that he didn't feel the same way. Louis wasn't going to let him in and he wasn't going to talk to him again. Louis couldn't let himself feel worse than he already was.

"Louis, I'm sorry." Harry paused, his voice sounding closer as if he was sitting directly behind Louis. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please talk to me." Louis didn't say anything and Harry paused for a moment before saying, "I shouldn't have said that. But, I just--"

"Do you really think that?" Louis cut him off, unable to keep quiet anymore.

"Lou," Harry said, surprised he was finally saying something. "Lou, I'm so--."

"Tell me," Louis prompted.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," he firmly said. "Not tonight. Not when you're upset like this."

Louis quietly wiped his eyes, letting out a humorless scoff. It didn't matter if they talked tonight or later. It didn't matter anymore because everything was different. Yeah, sex changed them, too, but this made it worse. And Louis didn't think they could ever be like before. That thought hurt him more than anything. It was never going to be the same again, he could feel it in his heart.