The Cure

I Lost My Faith

"There's nothing to be sorry about, hun. I just want to know what's going on in your head." Perrie softly replied, reaching up before running her fingers through Jesy's hair.

The Essex native felt her head involuntarily tilt until it rested on Perrie's shoulder, the blonde still dragging her fingers through her hair slowly.

It was calming, to say the least.

It was more than calming. It was comforting, and Jesy knew she would fall asleep if Perrie didn't stop. Laying her head on Perrie's shoulder was extremely comfortable and the older woman could feel her thoughts turning towards Perrie again without her permission.

She found herself thinking about what it would be like to cuddle with Perrie every night. To be able to hold her and feel safe.

I mean, they kind of already did that anyway. She couldn't even count the number of times they had fallen asleep together and ended up cuddling.

Now that she said it to herself, that didn't sound very friendly to her. At all.

It sounded more than friendly in her opinion. It-

"Jessica," Perrie said as she gently pulled Jesy's head off her shoulder and looked her directly in the eyes, her fingers softly pressing against her chin.

When Jesy came back to her senses and saw how close Perrie's face was to hers, felt how her fingers were holding her head up, the older woman had to take a minute to slow her heart.

"I want you to talk to me. You've been acting off lately, and we're all worried about you."

A soft breath managed to escape Jesy's lips, Perrie studying her features carefully.

The way Perrie looked at her made her heart stop and her lungs squeeze until she felt like she would die from lack of air. Her gaze was an ocean that Jesy was drowning in, and she couldn't stop herself. She had tried, but it was useless.

She was slowly becoming useless.

"Jesy, I'm begging you."

The brunette would've thought she was amused, except when Jesy let her eyes focus again on Perrie's, she could see the desperation in them. She could see the silent plea that she was so very close to voicing if Jesy didn't say something to ease her worries.

"I feel like I'm losing myself again," she finally replied, an instant fear that Jesy had never seen flashing in Perrie's eyes.

Her fingers moved and curled around the edge of Jesy's jaw, their faces inches apart now, "Don't let this be a repeat of last time. We can help you. Let us help you."

Jesy went quiet, her bottom lip catching on her teeth as she tried to ingest Perrie's words and force herself to listen. She tried to smooth the anxiety-induced expression on her face out so she could appear calm, but Perrie saw right through it. Jesy knew she did. She could feel the younger woman's penetrating gaze scanning every part of her for a sign that she was already in deeper than her initial thought.

Then she noticed. She noticed the way that Jesy's left arm had shifted away from Perrie's body. It was subtle, and most would never be observant enough to spot it, but Perrie did. She could feel the way Jesy tensed under her touch when Perrie's eyes flickered to her arm and then to her wrist.

She felt it when Jesy held her breath and stared straight at Perrie, the brunette biting the inside of her cheek in hopes that Perrie wouldn't reach for her sleeve. If she did, the blonde would be able to confirm her suspicions, and Jesy wasn't ready to have that conversation with her. Not when she was so vulnerable and weak.

For a second, Jesy believed that Perrie was going to act like she didn't see the struggle in Jesy's eyes, but that was a stupid hope. It was stupid because before Jesy could react, Perrie had gently grabbed her arm and was pulling her sleeve up.

She should've known Perrie wouldn't let go of the idea that Jesy had done something. She never had, and to think that she would do such a thing now, that she would forget about something that had to do with Jesy, well, that just made Jesy a complete idiot.

"Perrie." It was weak and forced out, Jesy feeling air rush back into her lungs when Perrie's fingers brushed over the skin of her wrist. "Perrie." Jesy's voice had quickly become scared, a tear slipping down her face in absolute terror of the Geordie's reaction.

"What the hell did you do, Jesy?" Jade's voice came as a quick intrusion to the moment that Perrie and Jesy were having, the brunette looking up with a horror-filled gaze when she saw Leigh and Jade standing in the doorway to the living room, their eyes trained on Jesy's wrist.

Without a second thought, the older woman stood up and rushed from the room, Perrie calling out for her but staying on the couch.

The living room became silent, the younger of the two Geordie's biting the inside of her cheek harshly before screwing her eyes shut and taking a deep, shaky breath. She couldn't fathom the thought of how she might've just pushed Jesy far away from her. How she might've set Jesy back to square one.

It was a crushing feeling that Perrie found herself being fully surrounded by, the idea of hurting Jesy bringing in its wake a blistering pain that burned along every inch of her skin.

Perrie was blinded by the passing of the next few hours, Jade finally speaking after what felt like forever. "She's not going to hate you or ignore you, Perrie."

"Yes, she is," the blonde snapped back in response, Leigh-Anne sighing out sharply and staring at the wall directly across from her.

Jade didn't make an attempt to change Perrie's mind, the curly-haired brunette knowing that it was pointless. Perrie wasn't up to taking suggestions on how she should see the situation at hand. She obviously believed that Jesy would feel a certain way, and until Jesy herself proved Perrie to be wrong, the younger woman would remain in her current state of mind.

She would feel as if she had taken a wrong turn and fallen into a never-ending black hole that she couldn't avoid.

In a sense, what had just occurred was unavoidable. Someone would've found out sooner or later, and it would've probably been Perrie. The way she found out was actually the only part that could be avoided. All four of the girls knew this, but none were brave enough to speak the truth.

Speaking the truth would mean things that Perrie and Jesy weren't quite ready to face, but that was the glorious thing about secrets.

You could choose to keep them to yourself until you wanted to release them. Until you felt that the moment was right. Until you felt that releasing the silent words would benefit instead of destroy.

Sometimes, until you just couldn't bear the brutal pain of knowing that you had kept something from someone that would become detrimental when revealed.