The Meeting

Small vs Big

She used her own hand to guide mine to the correct place, letting me feel exactly what she had felt. My hand pulled away as I felt it, almost like I was thinking if I didn't feel it, it didn't exist.

"Fuck." I breathed out.
"It could be nothing." Leah blurted out.
"Yeah. No - yeah - it probably isn't. No big deal." I shook my head.
"Come here, Al." Leah whispered, opening her arms out for me.

I knew what she was doing, waiting silently for me to speak. She knew that if she left me quiet for long enough, eventually the feelings would spill out of my mouth.

"How long do you think it's been there?"
"I don't know, babe. Not long though. I would've noticed." Leah smiled, pressing her lips against my forehead.
"What do I do?"
"We go to the doctors, ask them what they think."
"Okay." I said quietly.

If this hadn't happened on a Friday, I might've been able to get that opinion the next day, but it did happen on a Friday. That meant I had the entire weekend to think about what I had found, and Leah did too. We tried not to worry the kids, but failed miserably as the sibling rivalry between Theo and Aoife progressed.

Returning from a run on the Saturday morning, I opened the door to a roar of crying and Theo running to hug me. Unsure as to what had happened, I cautiously entered the living room to find Aoife sat in the corner of the sofa with a tear stained face.

"What is going on?"
"Theo -" Aoife began to shout.
"No! Aoife -" Theo interrupted.
"It was -" Aoife tried again.
"I actually cannot cope with this for one second longer. Not one second. Aoife sit there and be quiet like I asked you, and Theo you sit there. We are not doing this today. Do you hear me? We are not doing this!" Leah ranted through gritted teeth.

It wasn't even five minutes later when Leah decided to let the two roam the house freely again, Aoife putting on her boots to practice her shooting in the back garden. Of course, Finn had decided to go outside too and wanted the grass for his toy lawnmower.

"Finn! No!" I heard Aoife shouting outside.

Of course, he didn't budge, instead rolling over her feet by accident causing her to scream from the top of her lungs. I turned to look at Leah, who was now sat with her head in her hands, she really wasn't coping.

"Aoife, can you come in here please?" I asked.
"Why?"
"Because you have been asked to!" Leah shouted in the background.
"Why can't you both just leave me alone!"
"In." I said sternly.

She plopped herself down on a chair at the table, not making eye contact with either of us but obvious signs that tears were well and truly on their way.

"It's hard, not having your own space, right?"
"Yep." She croaked.
"I can understand that. I loved having my own space, I really loved it." I added.
"Then why did you have three children? It was fine when it was just us. I was happy then."
"And you aren't happy now?"
"No. I'm miserable!" Aoife said dramatically.

Leah's head shot up at the words, pain written all over her face at the words that had just left Aoife's mouth.

"Why are you miserable?" Leah said softly.
"I don't know. I know they're my brothers but I just really don't like them. I don't want them here - and if they're here then I don't want to be here. I know you're just going to shout at me for saying that but then you'll shout at me if I lie too."
"We aren't shouting, Aoifs. It hurts us, you know? It hurts us that you're unhappy." I placed a kiss on her head.
"Can I go stay with Grandma please?"
"What - no!" I exclaimed.
"Just for tonight, please." Aoife pleaded.
"Do whatever you want."

I shouldn't have said that, but I did. I was tired, tired of trying to piece this family back together. I never once imagined that Aoife would say something so hurtful about her brothers, and my attempt at gentle parenting hadn't worked. What I wanted to say was no, please don't go tonight, mummy has this lump and she's really worried, but I couldn't. It wasn't fair to put that on her. Before I had a chance to even process what had happened, Aoife was already on the phone to Amanda who immediately text into the groupchat Leah and I had with her to ask what on earth was going on.